Closure

Image of San Diego Bay. Courtesy of Upsplash

There’s always that time of year when people from the past reach out…usually it’s Winter. You know? Cuffing Season is what the kids call it. That time when girls start wearing slightly more clothes than in Summer, especially around San Diego because it starts getting cold in December…maybe even January. Honestly, whenever it starts raining here is when people start wearing more clothes. But climate change is a thing and we’re in a drought.

Alexa, play “Closure” by Taylor Swift…

“It’s been a long time and seeing the shape of your name still spells out pain. It wasn’t right, the way it all went down…looks like you know that now.”

For those who follow me on the Gram, I have made three trips back and forth to Missouri to visit my father and my sisters. That was indeed a challenge as I’m trying to rebuild those relationships. It’s a work in progress like a lot of shit in my life. But while I was trying to rebuild my relationships with my estranged family, men from my past were shooting their shot.

“Don’t treat me like some situation that needs to be handled. I’m fine with my spite and my tears and my beers and my candles. I can feel you smoothing me over.”

One man in particular hit me up. You probably remember him from the story titled “Short Hose”. I know most people weren’t sure if I was just being bitter when I nicknamed him that or if it was true…Well I had picture proof to go with the story. No, you can’t see it. Only a special few have seen it and they concur that it’s an accurate nickname. You’re just going to have to trust that five of us can’t be wrong.

Anyways, he hit me up while I was in Missouri. I was in a relationship at the time. That gave me an out. But it didn’t stop him from begging for months to hang out. That being said, you would think that once I was free that if I gave him a chance to be different that he would act right. Right? WRONG. In the words of Charlie Murphy: “He’s a habitual line stepper”.

I screenshotted text messages of him asking me out claiming it wasn’t all about sex and sent them to my best friend. She convinced me to hear him out and give him the benefit of the doubt. I told her that man doesn’t like me and only means me harm. Labor Day weekend proved my point.

“I know I’m just a wrinkle in your new life. Staying friends would iron it out so nice. Guilty, guilty reaching out across the sea that you put in between you and me. But it’s fake and it’s oh so unnecessary.”

Maybe he knows that it wasn’t right how it went down years ago and that he was fucked up towards a good person. However, I don’t believe that’s the case considering he acted the same way. He took me out on a jet ski date and out to lunch on the harbor just to ignore me after and make me feel like shit. Although, it’s my fault for having sex with him. I knew better. As usual, I got swept up in the fantasy and adrenaline of going jet skiing even though I can’t swim…so much so that my bikini fell off and I took a ride on his small hose.

I don’t believe he was sorry. If you’re remorseful, then you change your behavior. Since he didn’t and went back to ignoring me and messaging horse-faced nurses (I’m being truthful with this like I was about his penis size), I can only assume he just wanted to win. He just wanted to win, and I gave up my power that I had wielded for 5 years not letting him get anywhere near me. His “interest” in me was fake. It was phony. And I fell for it. It took me some time to realize that I’m only human and the way that I forgive others is the way I have to forgive myself when I faulter.

So, here’s to forgiveness and the block button. I’ll just be here with my spite, my tears, my beers and my candles….