Girl Next Door
I wasn’t going to preface this piece but…you know what? Fuck it. Let’s just dive in.
Alexa play “Girl Next Door” by Alessia Cara…
“Never have I ever been someone who’s had it all. Like, not at all. And on occasion I can think too much. I get uncomfortable. Hide behind my walls…”
There are just some women who have IT. You know what I’m talking about? The woman that has charisma, beauty, small feet, the gift of gab and above all else…sex appeal. It’s always worse when your best friend is one of them. But that’s ok. I love her to death and I’m glad she saw through my awkwardness to the person I am inside and we’re still friends 22 years later.
I was the late bloomer — the one whose normal body parts didn’t start arriving until after I turned 18. Let my mom tell it, I was Jenna Rink in the movie 13 Going on 30. I’m still attempting to be “Thirty, flirty and thriving” but not stuffing my bra. I’ve accepted my breasts for what they are: proportional to my frame. My mother also compares me to Gidget (Sandra Dee) by telling me that I have a “girl next door, cute look”. Kittens are cute. *sigh*
I always wanted to be the girl who broke necks the minute she walked into a room. Sometimes I wonder what it’s like to walk into a room and have people fawn over you. I wonder what it feels like to walk into a room and have people say “Isn’t she pretty?”. It’s not that people don’t compliment me, like ever. It’s just few, far and inbetween. If I’m at a bar, I’m not going to be the first one that a guy approaches. But if I’m at a bar and a football game is on, they’ll talk to me about sports.
I think I’m feeling this way because recently I broke my “first date curse” which is great. But I’m also entering my fifth month of celibacy soon. I think it’s safe to say I’m a little touch starved. It’s a real phenomenon. I long to be held, caressed, kissed seriously and made love to by someone who truly wants me. But I’m also scared shitless of falling for someone pretending to be good when they’re really awful. So, when I start to get somewhat close to someone, at least recently, I find some reason to bolt.
I know, I’m being vulnerable right now and it’s a lot…
“And I talk in circles. But at least, I say what I mean. And I rock my heart on the sleeve of my t-shirt. So if I should die tomorrow, I’ll die with all of me…”
I guess I pride myself on being honest even with the most unflattering of things. It’s not fun to discuss your insecurities. I’ve never really felt hot, sexy or attractive. The things I knew about myself are that I’m smart, caring, have a great ear for music and awesome tastebuds that will never lead you wrong when choosing a restaurant. I’m also well-rounded and can talk about a variety of subjects. I’m awkward. I have long and narrow feet. My booty will never swallow a stripper pole. To quote Hooper Piccolaro in Are You Afraid of the Dark’s The Tale of the Ghastly Grinner: “I think one should know what they are and work with it”. She said this when calling herself a geek to Ian, her classmate she had a crush on.
I own that I don’t have “sex appeal” or the “IT” factor. That’s fine. It does make it harder to find a mate. It’s worth noting that people who have it easy are less appreciative because for them people are like buses — in the next 15 minutes another one is coming.
Do I regret letting go of the ones that weren’t for me? Absolutely not. I will say that as we get older, we do have fewer options despite how these dating apps make it seem. Relationships do take work but I do believe that when the right person comes along, my gut will tell me just as it’s told me when I need to leave. I just have to get better at listening; just as I have to get better at being kinder to myself.
I can start now: I am pretty. I am smart. I am awkward. I embrace all of me. I am not other people’s actions towards me or mistreatment of me. I am worthy of love. The right person will embrace all of it.
“No, you won’t forget this girl next door…”