Stranger
One of the things I’ve heard recently is that if I write about something that means I’m over it. I guess I’d have to say that it’s a true statement since I’m very careful about what I put out there and try to write from a more reflective place than a bitter place.
In Photograph, I wrote about the pitfalls of looking for love in the digital age and a certain someone who is the subject of this story.
We peruse photographs and try to choose a mate. I try to get more of a feel for the guys by reading their profiles but no matter the length of the blurb, you don’t really know that person. Even after a few dates, you still don’t completely know that person and can’t trust everything that they say. I keep finding that out the hard way.
Alexa, play “Stranger” by Jhene Aiko…
“Similar ways, similar game. Starting to feel the similar pain. Are you sure we haven't met before? I know ya face, I know ya name. But I don't know you? Isn't that crazy? Isn't that crazy?”
When I wrote my piece Photograph, I was feeling hopeful. For the first time in months, I was really feeling someone and it scared me because I was also in a period of sworn celibacy until I felt someone was worth being vulnerable for. I thought Smooth Jazz could be worth it. Key word: thought. I told you, I’m not good at this.
When we started talking, I was going on dates with other guys because he was out of town for like a full month. But he kept in contact. He’d text periodically or want to voice call just to say hello. I thought that was nice. Once he got back, we went on our first date. I didn’t even wear makeup because I was busy running around prior to the date and he still wanted to see me again. Brownie points.
As we kept hanging out, I found myself enjoying his company more than the other guy I was seeing at the same time. There was what I felt, an undeniable chemistry and attraction. We watched the sunset at Lake Miramar on our second date and I made him feel like he had dog pee on his nose after he picked some sage and smelled it. I showed him my childhood home in Mira Mesa before guiding him to the bowling alley I spent countless weekends in as a kid. We made up silly and inappropriate names for our score screen like “Tig Ol Biddiz” and “Dew Schbagg”. It just felt easy.
After our third date of ice cream, sitting and kissing on the beach — I knew sex would be on the table. But if you remember, I had been celibate since my relationship ended with Florida Man. For the first time in five months, I felt desire. But I didn’t want it to be temporary. I was trying to resist because I was fearful of how my already fragile psyche could handle a “hit it and quit it” from someone I was starting to have feelings for and wanted to stick around.
“Didn't I tell you what all the rest have done? They were just like you. They have all tried to. You're not the only one…”
I decided to go spend time with him at his place after a beach date with the other guy. I knew I didn’t want to continue seeing him as there weren’t any physical sparks. I could not see myself wanting to be intimate with him even though he was a nice guy. I knew I wanted Smooth Jazz. I wasn’t going to go originally because when I got back from Solana Beach, my favorite cousin surprised me with a visit. My cousin is the one who convinced me to make the journey. He said to me “The man obviously wants to see you. You should go”. So he left and off I went.
The minute I came inside, we kissed and I felt little sparks of electricity running through my veins. With every touch and kiss my hunger grew. Before clothes came off, we had a heart-to-heart; He acknowledged that I didn’t want to jeopardize my celibacy for something temporary. He looked me in the eyes and said he didn’t want to be temporary in my life. And I like a naive 15-year-old, believed him.
As the R&B music playing in the background ignited my sensual side, I kissed his neck and his scent intoxicated me. I’m sure I still smelled like the ocean but he didn’t seem to mind as he removed my bikini. I won’t spill the full details but you get the picture. I felt desired and it made me feel good in the moment. When I climaxed, it felt like my body exploded from the inside out. Waking up the next morning to someone holding me for the first time in months was something I didn’t realize I missed more than sexual pleasure. I didn’t realize when I left that morning it would be the first and last time with him.
“I think we may be in a different book, on a different page…”
I came over to get my glasses that I left on his nightstand. And we had been talking about being intimate again. So pardon me, if I couldn’t wait to straddle him after we started kissing. As we continued kissing, I started to get undressed and he stopped me. He stopped me to tell me that we should slow things down. Slow things down after sex? I’m not giving you an ultimatum to marry me. I just wanted to be intimate again and spend quality time vegging out. I just wanted to be near him. Now we have to slow things down? He admitted to me that he has commitment issues but didn’t want to stop seeing me and stop fooling around. I remember not heeding that warning years ago with an ex-boyfriend.
Sadly enough, I went to the bathroom, cried and then told him I needed to go. He said he didn’t want me to and I said “I have to”. As I was driving home, he texted me repeatedly but I didn’t answer until the next day. Eventually, I gave in and saw him one last time for what was supposed to be a “drive-in” date but we never made it there. We watched this couples therapy show on Netflix which was interesting but in the midst of him running his hands up and down my body I realized that I didn’t want just half of him and I needed to make a clean break. Not to mention, I felt lied to and betrayed just so he could get laid. I guess that’s par for the course if a man can’t even be honest about his smoking habit. Oh yeah, he hid that from me too.
And so, I ghosted. I would say some things are better left unsaid but, I’ve said them to you. Thank you for listening.
“You said, you said you were different. But you're the same. Stranger…”