You’re Losing Me x High Infidelity

While I’m writing this I might be battling walking pneumonia so bear with me. My head feels like it’s going to explode and this cough is unbearable. But I guess after a long nap, I have thoughts that I’d like to share.

Right now, feels like the perfect time to share it because we live in a society where celebrities like Ariana Grande are being shamed for allegedly cheating or being a homewrecker. I live in a glass house, so I won’t throw stones. As the late great black poet Maya Angelou said:

“The most boring and the most dangerous people are those self-righteous people who would have you believe they have no skeletons in their closets. In fact, they have no closets. They're full of baloney.”

I have encountered a few of those people: the self-righteous. The ones who claim that examining your own faults is somehow a “red flag”. Their sanctimonious judgment is permissible to them because their dirt isn’t in print. You can still be a good person and make mistakes. I’m not religious but my father is a reverend so I know a little bit about the Bible; Proverbs 24:16 says “A just man falleth seven times, and riseth up again; But the wicked shall fall into mischief.” That means, good people will always acknowledge their sins, repent and God will watch over them.

Some people live by the “Once a cheater, always a cheater” school of thought. This isn’t a piece to say that all cheaters have a reason, some people just cheat for sport. Others are inherently not that way, but become that way during the course of an unsatisfying relationship; And I don’t just mean sexually. This is not to excuse the act of infidelity. It’s more so to make the act of it understood and hopefully make people stop treating infidelity as a “one size fits all” type of thing through my own experience of being a said “shitbag cheater”.

Alexa, play “You’re Losing Me” by Taylor Swift…

“You say, "I don't understand, " and I say, "I know you don't". We thought a cure would come through in time, now I fear it won't. Remember lookin' at this room, we loved it 'cause of the light. Now, I just sit in the dark and wonder if it's time…”

I’ve written about this particular ex-boyfriend in Should’ve Said It and Thank You Next. I gave him the nickname 8 Mile because he’s from the lovely city of Detroit. I’ll try to keep this at current reader attention span length. But we dated for three years. We lived together for two of those years. The first 6 months, aka the honeymoon period was great. It was lowkey and I was fine with coming over after working until 9 pm and eating takeout while he slept since he worked earlier than I did. We usually went out or did something on my days off. After 6 months, however — things started to become stale. I started to grow tired of coming over and watching TCM or being on my phone while he slept.

He even stopped complimenting me when he would see me at work or if I’d get dressed up whenever we’d go out. All of the members at the country club we worked at, especially male ones would compliment me on my appearance. We even got to the point where sex became few far and in-between during our first year together. Eventually, that led to an innocent flirtation between myself and a very attractive club member. He kind of sounded like Bill Clinton. And he really did have an affection for this blue dress I wore on July 4th that year. Nothing would come of this. It stayed an innocent flirtation.

Alexa, play “High Infidelity” by Taylor Swift…

“Storm coming, good husband. Bad omen. Dragged my feet right down the aisle. At the house lonely, good money I'd pay if you'd just know me. Seemed like the right thing at the time…”

Fast forward to the end of the year. We went to Detroit to visit his family for Christmas. His mother said some out-of-pocket racist things to me; E.g. insinuating that I can sing and dance because I’m black and then asking me if all of my friends at home talk “white” like me because I speak proper English as if all of my friends are black (I have friends from all walks of life). Do you know that man never checked his mother once? His sister-in-law did plenty of times. I’ll let him slide on the last one though since he was in Urgent Care when she said it to me.

Back in San Diego, I was hesitant to start cohabitating with him because of the issues in Detroit. I gave in. But then intimacy issues began again. We only spent time vegging out and watching Seinfeld (I hate Seinfeld). More so, I’d be eating while he fell asleep after getting stoned. I felt like I should just be part of the furniture. I found myself with growing resentment.

Alexa, play “You’re Losing Me” by Taylor Swift…

“Every mornin', I glared at you with storms in my eyes. How can you say that you love someone you can't tell is dyin'? I sent you signals and bit my nails down to the quick. My face was gray, but you wouldn't admit that we were sick…”

These lyrics can be taken metaphorically and literally. We had been living together for a few months by the time I got very ill. It was just after my birthday that I started to feel incredibly cold. It was a Monday. By Tuesday I was still cold and very fatigued. I called out to work. On Wednesday, I went between fever and chills. I started vomiting as well and fainted when I got out of the shower. My lovely boyfriend at the time came home, found me wrapped in a towel passed out on the bed and thought nothing of it. He just toked, ate his junk food and went to bed in the living room. How do I know? When I finally came to, I could see the glow of the tv in the hallway. Thursday, I was vomiting more violently. By Thursday night, my mother who I talked to daily realized she hadn’t heard from me and called him. He told her I had been sick for 4 days and of course she went off. She told him to come and get her then take me to the hospital.

After she arrived the next day, she found me passed out next to a trash can full of bloody vomit and realized my boyfriend hadn’t even checked on me. Before I got sick we were having issues, so I guess he felt that was acceptable. My mom was mortified to say the least. She pretty much berated him the entire time I was in the hospital. Sadly, the issues got worse after my job offer was rescinded because I couldn’t start on my start date due to being hospitalized and needing to heal from being on the brink of death from a kidney infection. Luckily I was able to draw unemployment while searching for a new job and we made ends meet. But of course, spending quality time together continued to be an issue. I found a new job that December and things continued to be contentious because he couldn’t even agree to a no phones at dinner rule to give us time to just talk. That was too much for him. Communicating when we were away from each other during the day was too much as well.

At that point, an ex-boyfriend of mine who had kids with someone else after getting out of the military and leaving California for his native Ohio came back into the picture. I’ll always have love for him because he showed me the most love (more on that later), but it just didn’t work out since the rubber meets the road always if you have different desires in life and different values. Anyways, he was having issues with his babymama and fiance; I was having issues with my boyfriend. Obviously, that paved the way for emotional cheating I guess. We would talk when I was at work or on my way to work in the morning. Somehow even though we were three hours apart timewise he found time to communicate with me. It was nice. It made me remember he was dedicated to our relationship. It drove a further wedge between myself and 8 Mile.

Alexa, play “High Infidelity” by Taylor Swift…

“You know there's many different ways. That you can kill the one you love. The slowest way is never loving them enough…”

Eventually, my ex and I decided to stop talking so he could work things out with his son’s mother who was pregnant with his second child. And I went back to prolonging the inevitable. With every argument over spending quality time, I started spending more time in our bedroom while he vegged out on the couch alone. I’d listen to music and write on my laptop. Not much has changed besides not being locked in a loveless relationship. Finally things came to a head and after spending the weekend with my folks and going out with a friend, I decided to call it quits. I said to him “If you don’t have anything better to say to me I’m moving out”. He replied with “Why do you need some big gesture that says I love you?”. At that point I said: “It’s over”. I went in the bedroom and closed the door. I cried of course because I spent 3 years with someone for it to end in a crash and burn. It was my longest relationship. It is my longest relationship ever.

Unfortunately, the sequel five years later ended for the same exact reason but with me physically cheating with someone I don’t even like as a human. I just didn’t want to be alone on the Labor Day holiday and he invited me to go jet skiing. Sunshine, water, alcohol and a disappointing relationship you are hesitant to leave because you truly love that person but are not right together make for disaster. He still hasn’t explained to me why he wanted to do more quality time activities with the girls he dated in the five years we were apart. His excuse? “You don’t understand the circumstances”. He said he was saving up for an engagement ring but I think we both know we got back together out of loneliness.

Alexa, play “You’re Losing Me” again.

“And I wouldn't marry me either. A pathological people pleaser. Who only wanted you to see her…”

In between my two rounds with 8 Mile, there was Dimples. We had a two-year age gap but we had a fairly awkward but magical first date I wrote about in “Know You”. According to what he told my family on Thanksgiving Day during our relationship, he “cancelled his other planned dates after we met”. If it was as magical for me as it was for him, why did he have trouble communicating with me then? Why did he disappear for days at a time? Prior to his “heartfelt” declaration on Thanksgiving, he disappeared on me for five days. For me it was bruising enough that I sought comfort in the arms of a superior at work who had been pursuing me.

Alexa still playing “High Infidelity”…

“Do you really want to know where I was April 29th?. Do I really have to tell you how he brought me back to life?”

I felt wanted. That was the draw. I didn’t really want to be with my superior. I wanted to be with Dimples but he wasn’t communicating and disappearing on me every time I turned around. What kind of relationship is that? We didn’t even follow each other on social media and I sent him a request on Facebook that he didn’t accept until just before we went to Las Vegas in January. But after I was unfaithful, I finally decided to message him again and ask if there was someone else. Wouldn’t you know he found superhuman strength to pick up the damn phone and call me?! Needless to say, communication got worse. He didn’t even want to take pictures with me on Halloween or New Years’ Eve; Even though I rushed back 112 miles from Chino to be with him when I did Lyft for extra cash.

Alexa play “You’re Losing Me” by Taylor Swift…

“Do I throw out everything we built or keep it?. I'm getting tired even for a phoenix…”

After I started comparing how cute the communication was between his younger brother and his girlfriend when they were apart, he suggested nightly calls. And oh my god, that shit might as well have been Chinese water torture for him. The call conversations were so forced. My mom noticed that when he called while I was taking her grocery shopping because my car has Bluetooth. After we disconnected the five-minute vanity project called trying to save our relationship, my mother said: “What the fuck was that about? It was awkward as fuck. It didn’t even sound like he wanted to talk to you.” Because he didn’t. He just wanted to pacify me. Our relationship survived one more month until he bailed on me claiming his blood sugar was high and he didn’t feel good. I know he has Diabetes but he was always good at managing it. It would have been ok had he actually said “Hey, I feel better. Let’s do something today” when I asked him how he was feeling the next morning. Instead he just said he was feeling better. I kept prying asking what he was planning on doing that day thinking he’d ask to hang out but he never did and after 20 minutes, I decided to let him know how I felt. Needless to say, we argued and then he apologized and we hung out.

But the next night at a family dinner seeing his brother and his girlfriend knowing that was how I wanted to feel — doted on, and like my boyfriend actually loved me, I had a breakdown. I boohooed and his dad tried to comfort me. The next day, he broke things off. Two years later he’d be stalking my IG story.

I don’t live by the rule of once a cheater always a cheater. For 13 years, from the time I was 18 — I was always the faithful and dutiful girlfriend. One day, I got tired of being the perfect girlfriend just to get screwed over while my boyfriend at the time vanished without a trace. He wasn’t kidnapped by aliens, in the hospital or deceased. 8 Mile then made me regret giving him a second chance and I remembered that this man almost let me fall into sepsis and die. I don’t think I ever really forgave him for that and when he started doing his same behaviors, all of those feelings came rushing back. I suggested couples’ therapy but he wasn’t game for trying to make it work. I wasn’t inherently a cheater. I became a cheater during those two relationships. I didn’t with Florida Man and it wasn’t because he was controlling that I didn’t. After examining my unfaithfulness, it didn’t make me feel better to stop being who I am at heart. I should’ve just walked away instead of being spiteful. So, I promised myself I wouldn’t be unfaithful ever again. Instead, I’d just walk away if things weren’t right as I did with Florida Man who also tried to be my judge and jury. But, as much as he accused me, I should’ve cheated (in my Keyshia Cole voice).

Just so we’re clear, this piece isn’t to justify cheating. It’s mostly to make people rethink cheating and stop demonizing people who are unfaithful. Sometimes there’s reasons. Not everything is black and white. After all, America’s sweetheart Taylor Swift has apparently engaged in a little bit of infidelity because her partner Calvin Harris allegedly didn’t love her enough and people still love her right? I’m just saying. Check the self-righteousness at the door. It’s always the people thumbing their nose at others that have the deepest and darkest closets.

Alexa, play “High Infidelity” by T.S. one more time to take us home…

“Lock broken, slur spoken. Wound open, game token. I didn't know you were keeping count. Rain soaking, blind hoping. You said I was freeloading. I didn't know you were keeping count. But oh, you were keeping count…”

Photo by Anthony DELANOIX on Unsplash