Middle Ground

Hello again! Ugh. It’s the end of the year and you know what that means? Holiday couple activities and seasonal depression.

I told myself I didn’t want to torture myself on dating apps during the holidays because it’s better to be alone than going on bad dates. Then part of me is like “What if I get a Hallmark Christmas miracle and this guy helps me save my Christmas tree farm and we fall in love and…” Then I remember that I don’t own a Christmas Tree Farm.

For probably the last few months, I’ve been scheduling dates and then bailing. It’s like “Sure, I’d love to go to dinner”. But then I’m like, “Ew. Getting to know another human? What if I hate him?”. I’m in quite the quandary.

Alexa, play “Middle Ground” by Alessia Cara…

“I don't like boys, but I do. I just hate it when they make me cry. I got barbwire around my house. But if someone would trade it for a picket fence, I wouldn't mind…”

For those who are new here: It’s been a challenging year for me, emotionally. I thought I was ready to hop back into dating after making the biggest misstep of getting back together with Florida Man (See Traitor/True Story/Eternal Sunshine Pt.1 -> Diss Track Summer). I found out that I was still fragile and skittish. I started going out on dates with two guys from Bumble who wound up ghosting me at the same time. At that point, I decided I was happier alone. I focused on my friendships and avoided dating for 4 months. I avoided sex for 5 months until Smooth Jazz (See Stranger for more).

“And I could use a hug, sometimes. A little bit of love, sometimes. My bed's a little cold on the left side. But it's warm enough, sometimes…”

I started concentrating on my Bumble BFF adventures. I always had trouble making girlfriends. I never had a ton of them, but when I did they were all backstabbing bitches (More on that later). Imagine my surprise that when I channeled my energy into building friendships, I found two quality ones and I kept my guy friend who I dated briefly last year. My heart feels full in that regard.

But I feel like I’m in this weird lull. I’m going in between wanting to date (I reactivated my Bumble account) and keeping men at arm’s length. I’m wondering if interrupting my peace is worth potentially dealing with another man that makes me lose my hair.

“I don't know what I want. Would I be better off alone or with someone? Driving me crazy (ah). I don't know what I want. To give in or give up. This middle ground I'm on is driving me crazy, crazy…”

I want to be touched. I want to be kissed. I want to hold hands with someone. But I’m not trying to get involved with someone who is temporary. I’m also not trying to get involved with an emotionally abusive psychopath. I’m trying to figure out how to let go of fear without forgetting the lessons I’ve learned. As of right now, I have a guy I met walking out of Leucadia Pizza pursuing me as well as a man who ghosted me months ago trying to set me up with his brother? My life is so weird.

I guess dating with scars is like almost getting kidnapped when I was out running. It hasn’t stopped me from running. I just learned to keep my head on a swivel.

You weren’t expecting that ending, huh?!

A lonely lovebird. Photo by Aleksandar Andreev on Unsplash