Untitled
No, this is not named after the D’Angelo song where he’s naked in the video. Maybe at some point I’ll write an entry inspired by that song. Honestly, the whole Voodoo album makes me think of Shaggy because apparently he and his college roommates went to a music festival specifically to see D’Angelo, like only D’Angelo. But they never saw him because I guess he was sick or something? I might be ad-libbing the cause because of my own experience with tickets to a TLC concert at six-years-old. T-Boz has Sickle Cell Anemia and she was sick, so the concert at SDSU was cancelled. Sad face.
Mentioning him made me sad all over again. I was just talking to a friend about how I don’t really miss the person I had my longest relationship with (4.5 years) but I miss the hell out of someone who even though I had known of him since Junior year of high school, we only dated less than a month. I do believe that we have the ability to love more than one person in a lifetime. There are great loves of our lives. Sometimes the most short-lived of romances can be the ones that stay with you because they were the things of magic instead of convenience like long-term relationships have the potential to become.
So back to the title “Untitled”. No song inspired this. In fact I haven’t listened to music since I got home. I’m just up like Viagra because of the three Red Bull energy drinks I had earlier, sipping a glass of Cabernet Sauvignon and picking fights with my laptop over falling asleep. I know I should since it’s now officially Monday. Even my dog is in a corner passed out.
I guess I feel the need to get these thoughts out so I can sleep peacefully. I wonder if I am truly capable of opening myself up to someone again. I wonder why I really just don’t like anyone for the most part romantically. Dating again has been exhausting. I had a fire fighter (No, not Short Hose) begging for oral sex on the second date. Needless to say when he texted me I just didn’t respond. I went over to his house which I guess sets that expectation somehow but when I said no that should have been the end of it. Also, I couldn’t be less interested in sex to be honest. I’ve been celibate since telling Florida Man “Boy, bye!”. Three months and counting. Honestly, it’s not as impressive as Lenny Kravitz’s nine years.
There’s something about celibacy. When you subtract sex from the equation, it makes things clearer. You see the bigger picture. You view dating through the lens of “Do I really vibe with this person?”. You ask yourself “Do I see a future with this person?”. More importantly, you think about how you feel in this person’s presence. I think that’s why I’m really just like meh. No one is particularly impressive so far. I’m on the fence with the “Jimmy G handsome” guy too. I know. I hate it here.
Even with that being the current state of things in Nickole Land, I don’t feel the urge to spin the block with anyone from my past that approaches me. I’ve been approached by Small Hose. I’ve been “liked” by Florida Man. I don’t care for any of it. I don’t want anything to do with anyone who doesn’t have any good intentions towards me. I’d rather be alone and happy with my edges growing back than stressed out to the max by a man mistreating me along with the other things going on.
Greta Garbo said it best: “I never said ‘I want to be alone’. I said ‘I want to be left alone’. There is all the difference”. I get what she means. Basically, she said “Don’t fuck with me”. If you’re going to be in my life then be a good person. If not then bounce, fool.