So Unsexy
“Along with the idea of romantic love, she was introduced to another—physical beauty. Probably the most destructive ideas in the history of human thought. Both originated in envy, thrived in insecurity, and ended in disillusion.”
Life has been all gas, no brakes. I know that I say that every time I write as of late, but it’s fucking true. To reiterate, over the last 3 months: I put my dog to sleep, I can’t be at home because a neighbor physically threatened me for no reason and I’m preparing to go to my sister’s second wedding. I didn’t even bring up the fact that I was going back and forth with my landlord about the neighbors next door who wouldn’t let me sleep, whom she eventually evicted.
So, long story short: at the end of May — I began staying with my boyfriend due to physical threats from another neighbor. I thought he had noble intentions asking to exchange numbers after the police had to intervene between myself and the people next door to me but as I found out — it was not the case. He abused the fact that I wanted to invite him and his family over for cake and ice cream on my birthday by texting me at 3 something in the am, two weeks later. Needless to say, his girlfriend couldn’t see reason that I was not even at home, didn’t answer him until 10 am thinking something happened to my elderly parents and didn’t want to accept that I had someone and didn’t have any interest in her man other than he could tell me if something happened to my mother and stepfather. That’s the Sparks Notes version, believe it or not.
Initially, I was like “God, he’s going to get tired of me being here so fast”. So far, he has not. I’ve been at his place for the last two months and some change. He’s made space for me in his closet. He’s asked me how I can feel more not like a guest and he asks me if there’s things I need at Costco even though I am capable of buying it. Also, we hosted his folks this weekend. That’s been a job and a half, but I’ve enjoyed playing host even if I was anxious and tripping over myself the whole time.
It’s no secret that I’ve never felt good enough. I’m always second guessing myself due to past experiences. I think Alanis Morissette can explain it. Alexa, play “So Unsexy”.
“I can feel so unsexy for someone so beautiful
So unloved and for someone so fine
I can feel so boring for someone so interesting
So ignorant for someone of sound mind”
From the moment I found out that his folks would be staying at his condo before their family trip to Hawaii, I was happy that he would get the time to spend with his parents but reading not being around. As it turned out, he wanted me here. He said whether I was with him at his place or not, he’d want to introduce me. Sweet, right? But let me backtrack to a month ago.
I felt like my foundation was shaken. All of a sudden, his female neighbor who is a friend started sending him pictures of her cats randomly. I started thinking, “Well, that’s strange”. Then, I started noticing that my boyfriend would look in the direction of her patio before closing his backdoor. So, I kind of stewed before he asked me what was wrong. I finally broke and told him that I was concerned that he had feelings for his neighbor, especially after he told me they would have one-on-one dinners periodically. He then explained it to me that they were not often, there was no attraction and they were just friends. He also stated he met her with an ex, and she was still friends with said ex. Her cats were friendly with his dog when she was alive. Sounds great, right? It became less comforting on 4th of July.
Before July 4th, the neighbor was a complete mystery. She was an enigma, if you will. My boyfriend would say “She’s not ethereal. She’s a human”. Great, but she’s a phantom to me. I’ve been in this position before. A “friend” who is a phantom that I’ve never met, but my partner was secretly in love with them. Was it Deja vu? The tightening in my chest and my restlessness at night certainly thought so.
On the night of July 3rd, he had been texting with her I guess and they hadn’t hung out in a few months or so. They decided to go for a walk since I was working until 3 pm. When did he drop this on me? After clinging to me like a spider monkey in bed as we were trying to go to sleep. Needless to say, I thought back to when my ex dropped news about the girl he wanted to move into his apartment just before bed. My radar went bananas, of course. I didn’t sleep well. The next morning when I woke up for work, I initiated a conversation as he was looking at his phone. I asked when he knew he’d be taking a walk with her, and I asked why he thought it was appropriate to drop such heavy news on me right before bed. He apologized and I explained the source of my anxiety. He asked her to come over and meet me before they took their walk. Wouldn’t you know she was late and I was on borrowed time because I was on a lunch break? I didn’t see it then, but perhaps this was the beginning of her disrespect for me as his girlfriend.
Matters only escalated from there. After the small talk when she finally made her way over, they went on a walk that lasted almost two hours. The kicker? He didn’t take his phone. To me, it seemed as if he wanted to be disconnected from me and deeply engaged for his time with her. At that point, I had never gotten that large of a chunk of his time phoneless. Can you say, “pissed”? I felt betrayed and like he secretly wanted her despite telling me that it isn’t the case. When they said their goodbyes and he made his way into the unit, I said “Must have been some walk. Where did you go? Tibet?”. I then asked him why he didn’t take his phone? He said he didn’t think about it because he just didn’t think he needed it nor did he mean for the walk to go that long. I asked him if he thought about how suspicious that looks? I get short walks and she gets an extraordinarily longer walk and time with him without his phone. He apologized and swore to me nothing was happening. I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt and grant him his plea of ignorance as to how that would actually look.
But sadly, the damage was done to my psyche. Regardless of the time spent watching fireworks, the photos taken or the butt grabs and handholding on Downtown streets — nothing could get the long walk with the tall, rail thin German out of my mind. I started trying to neutralize my perceived threat by controlling what I ate and exercising excessively. I have this habit of thinking that if I mimic what it appears my partner wants, then my partner won’t look elsewhere. It’s not healthy and I know that. My boyfriend and I had a conversation when he asked me why I wasn’t eating, practically begging me to put a morsel of food in my mouth. That’s when he told me that he thought she was way too thin and she has food issues. He then started grabbing my hips, ass and kissed me saying that he only wants me. Did I believe him? No. Did his pleas deter me? Also, no.
I discovered he had a scale under his laundry table. I started weighing myself multiple times a day. Like I said, I was a little obsessed. I was aware that I couldn’t stop their hangouts that they’ve become accustomed to over years before I appeared. But I was keenly aware that I could control what I ate and how much I weighed to try to divert his attention away from her. Again, I know this is unhealthy behavior.
We got to the point where my boyfriend took the scale one morning as he was heading to work and tossed it into the recycling bin. I was disheartened when my beloved scale was stripped from me, but I also felt free oddly enough. I realized I was the scale’s mental prisoner, and he did it because he grew tired of seeing me torture myself. We had an honest conversation about my anxiety, and he wanted to try to settle my nerves before his parents came to town. We had a group dinner, just the three of us on a Saturday evening.
I thought she might back out because it wasn’t one-on-one with him which was the usual default. She did not. But she did ask before we were set to leave from the respective units if we were carpooling. He consulted me as to whether we would carpool. I asked if that was the default and he said they usually meet up. I said, “Then, no. Let’s keep it the same. She can drive herself”. I might be slightly younger than them, but I’ve been around for 38 years. That was her attempt to set a new precedent. No ma’am. The fuckery continued into dinner when I noticed her foot getting a little too close to him under the table at dinner. I know she’s tall but noticeably she kept her foot curved a lot of the dinner. Then she started letting her foot stretch out a little more. Apparently, he noticed too because he moved his leg. I wasn’t edged out of conversation, and he kept touching me during dinner which were positive signs on his end. Then on our way to our cars, she noticed this little vacant lot and blurted out that two houses could be built on said lot for herself and my boyfriend, neglecting to mention me — where her cats can go in between a connecting courtyard to visit him. EXCUSE ME?!?!
It was at that point that my mind was made up. It’s not that I don’t trust him, it’s that I sure as hell don’t trust her. She’s too old not to have social awareness. That seemed deliberate. Blurting out that you dream of being neighbors with my boyfriend forever with exclusivity in front of me is a redline.
How did my boyfriend react? He didn’t really react at all. Oh, and I forgot to mention that before dinner ended, she started digging into our plans for the evening. My boyfriend told her we were going to watch the sunset at Sunset Cliffs and that’s when she added that she hadn’t been there in a long time as if she was looking for an invitation. She then said, “What would I do there by myself?”. To which he answered: “You could meditate”. I don’t even know if he was aware that he shut her down with that remark because he admits he’s obtuse. I couldn’t have been prouder of that answer to be honest. But I did mention her comments to him in the car about the two houses and how I was conveniently left out of those “plans”. He said he saw where I was coming from but didn’t think she meant anything by it. I, then proposed a “No carpooling” rule for their hangouts. That’s a space for increased intimacy. He agreed to it willingly because as he said, they didn’t do it to begin with. I’m still not totally ok with the one-on-one dinners periodically, but he did agree to let me join as he continues to say nothing is going on between them.
After this, I told my therapist and my friends about the events without my comments. They all agreed that she crossed the line and deserved the side-eye and for my antennas to be up. One of the final questions I asked my boyfriend is if he would end these one-on-ones if she tried to sleep with him. He answered quickly, “Yes. Nothing is going to happen because I don’t want it to. I just want you”. I guess that all I can do is trust until I can’t — right?
That brings us to this weekend. Homegirl next door is a chatty Cathy. It doesn’t necessarily mean everything that comes out of her mouth is worth listening to or even interesting, but she will talk until the cows come home if you let her. I asked my boyfriend if his parents have ever met her and he said they hadn’t. I requested that we at least keep the pleasantries short if she tries to interject in our time with them, as I’m meeting them for the first time. He agreed and said he thought it would be weird if she did try to include herself.
It seems he’s willing to set some boundaries, I suppose. I wish he’d check her on the two houses comment but I also understand that he doesn’t want to be the “bad guy”. He wants to be everyone’s friend. Additionally, I think that he doesn’t want to see that his friend of seven years intentionally disrespected his girlfriend to her face, but that’s what happened.
I’m not trying to beat a dead horse, which is why I’m venting to you. At least the weekend with his parents has been smooth sailing. There’s been awkward moments because I am awkward. Let’s be real. But we kept them entertained, got a chance to go see San Diego scenery including the seals and no one got chased by them while we were at the Children’s Pool. The lifeguards didn’t have to tell the tourists to leave the seals alone today. The bonus is the cute photos and videos I got from over the weekend.
And before I forget — We had a sweet moment today. I was feeling unsure whether his parents liked me. When we were waiting for them outside of the restaurant before heading to a hiking trail, I told him that I need to stop overthinking and just learn to be in the moment. His reply? “And I need you”. In that moment, my defenses dropped.
As usual, you can let me know in the comments or via email what you think. As of today, we have 19 days until my sister’s wedding that we’re going to be traveling for. So, I’ll keep you posted on the life happenings while working on other pieces.
I must really think he’s something special if I’m willing to take him to meet my family in the Midwest. If you’re not new here, you know what I mean by that. If you are new here, you can check out Meet Me in St. Louis to find out what I mean by that.
As always, thank you for being here and accepting me into your hearts and minds. I’ll let St. Alanis close this one out.
“All these little projections, how they keep springing from me
I jump my ship as I take it personally
And all these little rejections, how they disappear quickly
The moment I decide not to abandon me”