Penis Pump

I was 24 years old when I started dating someone who was interning for SPAWAR. The thing I liked about him is that he was smart. He was an egghead…literally. His dome was pretty big, but so was his brain. I didn’t really mind it. We met at a bar in the Pacific Beach area, because in my 20s that was my second home. He wasn’t my type physically but I said “Eh. What the hell" (This is usually where all of my problems start).

We hit it off. He liked Prince. He humored me when I hopped on the bar when Miller’s Field existed and started signing “It’s Gonna Be Me” while attempting an offbeat version of Nsync’s puppet dance. Basically, I felt comfortable being me around him. I felt comfortable making fun of the fragility of his pale Minnesotan skin in the California sun. There was just one flaw: His penis didn’t work.

I tried to be patient and thought maybe he just had stage fright. I had never encountered such an issue before. Now, keep in mind that I have never been a conceited bitch but I know I can make a man hard…except him apparently.

Needless to say, a couple of months passes by and he leaves San Diego after his internship to start a graduate program at Georgia Tech. I was still in school at SDSU. I took a few days off from work and school to go visit him in Atlanta hoping that something might spark his jumpstart his engine. On my last night there, we went out clubbing and then came back to our hotel. He went down on me but of course like clockwork he went soft again. He said “Wait. I can fix it!” and pulls out…the penis pump. At that exact moment, I burst into tears.

You hear about these types of things being used when you’re in your 40s and 50s; Not when you’re 24. Also, moments don’t get more awkward than crying while watching your significant other try to pump his penis to have sex with you for the first time. At some point the alcohol took over and I fell asleep. Unfortunately, the humiliation didn’t subside when I arrived back in San Diego. I had sex with my coworker and broke up with him a few days later.