Head Over Feet
Hello, hello, helloooooo! Sorry, I’ve been binge watching a lot of RuPaul’s Drag Race. But, I love Mama Ru. So, no RuPologies. It’s been a while and if you follow me on IG or Threads, you know I’ve been pretty consumed by the state of the country and the world at large. It’s really devastating how much trouble a group of uneducated voters can cause. But, that’s not the point of this piece.
In the midst of all of this madness, I’ve been going on dates. Well, I went on two dates with two different guys. I’m trying this new thing where I actually don’t cancel on people. Surprise, surprise.
Despite not being in a relationship, I still had a better Valentine’s Day than last year because I actually spent the holiday with someone who genuinely wanted to hang with me at a Warren G concert. Regulatorssssss! Last year, I was “in a relationship with” Florida Man and I spent Valentine’s Day at home while he was out trying to get next to the girl who I’m assuming now used to cut his hair (read Traitor through Diss Track Summer).
After the concert, I had a heart-to-heart with the guy I went out with on V-day and we determined we can try to maintain a friendship as there’s no romantic chemistry and a few days later I went on a first date with a nice CPA. I feel more of a connection with him but you know me: I don’t get excited. I actively try not to get excited about people.
Even though the CPA has asked me out on multiple dates and told me that since our shared kiss in the parking lot after a sushi dinner date was replaying in his head — I still feel like dookie at the bottom of a shoe. I feel hesitant which I guess is only natural after everything I’ve been through over the last 4 or 5 years? Shoot, even my first relationship was traumatic because he told me he loved me and then took it back the next day. I’m not a yo-yo. I have feelings, damnit.
Still, I’d like to believe someone may win me over in spite of all of my traumas and hesitancy.
Let’s take it back to the 90s. Alexa, play “Head Over Feet” by Alanis Morissette and see if you can find my GigaPet…
“I had no choice but to hear you. You stated your case time and again. I thought about it…”
Fun fact: Alanis Morissette’s Jagged Little Pill was one of the first CD’s my mother ever bought me. I remember going with her to this long forgotten music retailer called The Wherehouse. My mom much like myself is a music junkie. It felt like we were there like every weekend buying new cassette tapes to play in her Toyota Celica or for her to jam to with her friends on margarita and Zima night. Again, it’s the 90s.
There’s a lot of songs in Ms. Morissette’s catalog that I can relate to but the one that makes me think of the current and forever state of my love life is Head Over Feet. It talks about having walls up and being guarded; But one person brave enough to tear down the walls comes along and wins you over despite those attempts to keep them at bay.
“You've already won me over in spite of me. Don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet. Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are. I couldn't help it. It's all your fault…”
Obviously, we’ve discussed this. Part of me doesn’t even want to count going back to Florida Man. So can we just say I’ve been single for almost 2 years now? That seems fair to me. That shouldn’t count worth shit especially when he wasn’t really mine. You know? Yes, I’m talking myself through that.
Online dating is slim pickins. Like I mean, all of the good ones seem to be taken or deceased. My hope is to eventually find someone who makes me throw away preconceived notions about what someone I meet on these apps wants or is like.
“You treat me like I'm a princess. I'm not used to liking that. You ask how my day was…”
I don’t want to beg for someone’s love or adoration. More importantly, I’m not going to do it. I’ve done it in the past. I’d like for someone to inquire about how my day was. I’d like for them to remember things. For instance, the CPA remembered I was starting a new position Monday and a new schedule. So, that was nice. I give credit where credit is due. I don’t expect expensive dinners all of the time. For me, princess treatment is massaging my back or feet just because, holding me, kissing my forehead, taking my dish after a meal or making sure you have my favorite kind of wine around. I’ve given up hope on a Disneyland trip with a significant other. I’m about to plan a trip with my girls and we can all rock Minnie Mouse ears together while riding the teacups. There’s “Bros before hoes”, right? Well, just call this “Chicks before dicks”.
Dating is so rough. A guy friend of mine that I dated briefly over a year ago (the dachshund and Lego obsessed one), who usually has a rosy outlook on life said he’s over dating. The girl he was seeing started pulling away. But when we talked a few days prior to him telling me he was rage quitting, he said she was genuinely busy. He then told me she was genuinely busy contemplating whether or not they should date and she decided they shouldn’t move forward. As a friend, I assured him that rage quitting like you’re losing majorly in Madden wasn’t the answer. Simply focusing on making your life better while waiting for the right person to come along is a better option. I give great advice that I never take. Just call me “Alice in Wonderland”.
Apparently, those kinds of feelings are contagious like the measles (bad joke) because I started to feel the same way when I hadn’t heard from the CPA in a few days. He did tell me that he had his son. Internally, I knew that was the reason because he told me prior to it but…intrusive thoughts.
“You are the bearer of unconditional things. You held your breath and the door for me. Thanks for your patience…”
I do feel that it does require patience when you’ve been hurt a lot. By the same token, when you put yourself out into the dating world — you have to be ready for what comes, including disappointment. Lord, knows I’ve had my share of disappointments in that arena. But I’ve learned that with every disappointment, you learn things. You learn what you will accept and won’t accept. You learn to distinguish green flags from red flags. For example, another green flag for the CPA is that I could be honest with him today. We could be honest with each other. I was hesitant to confess my 6 months of celibacy to him. To my surprise, he’s also been out of commission for about that time period. We both felt less embarrassed. Additionally, he told me that if I didn’t feel comfortable being pushed towards sex — he would respect that. I didn’t know my soul had a G-spot, but he hit it. He found it. I should at least give this a go. I’m not ready to give my body to him just yet; With any luck it may work out for the better and I can tell him, “Thanks for your patience”.
“You've already won me over in spite of me. Don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet.”