Discipline
“Where the id is, the ego shall be.” - Sigmund Freud
Welcome, if you’re new here! I’m a woman of varied interests. Back in elementary school, I was either checking out Beverly Cleary, Judy Blume, books on dogs, or books on space. So if you spot corgi videos, supernova pics, and my own dog sprinkled across my IG story—don’t be surprised.
I also have a deep appreciation for history, geography, political science, and—last but certainly not least—psychology. That’s what this post is about. Let’s get Freudian.
But first, a scene from the '90s sitcom Martin. Martin’s having some… complicated dreams about his nemesis Pam. He tries to make sense of them with his neighbor, Bruh Man—the guy who’s always B&E-ing into apartments to make sandwiches:
Bruh Man: “You know Fraud and them said that dreams…”
Martin: “Hold up, Bruh man. Who is ‘Fraud & them’?”
Bruh Man: “You know, the white philosopher. When he said that dreams are repressed desires of the things (Looks Martin up & down) we wish we could have.”
Martin: “Oh damn. Is that right, Bruh Man? You, you just dropped a bomb on me, man.”
Bruh Man: “Need to get yourself some sleep, man. Ya look beat down.”
Bruh Man. Martin Season 2, Ep. 24: Crunchy Drawers. Image courtesy of Imgur.
🧠 First Things First: A Little Freud, A Little Chaos
Sigmund Freud—Austrian psychoanalyst, icon, and, honestly, one of the messiest minds in psychology. He’s probably best known (or side-eyed) for his psychosexual theories like the Oedipus Complex and penis envy—stuff that made people wildly uncomfortable and deeply curious all at once.
If you’re interested in going down that rabbit hole, I’ll link the Britannica page on him at the bottom. But this post?
Yeah, we’re not going there today.
🩷 Let’s Talk About the Heart, the Brain… and That Other Part
You know how we say stuff like:
“My brain says no, but my heart says yes?”
Or really, it’s not your heart. It’s your libido talking. (Also Freud-approved.)
According to Freud’s psychoanalytic theory, our personality is made up of three parts:
Id – primal, instinctive, pleasure-seeking. The “I want it and I want it now” voice in your head.
Ego – rational, grounded, the mediator between your desires and reality. The inner negotiator.
Super-Ego – your moral compass, rule-follower, guilt-giver. The “what would your therapist say?” whisperer.
That balance—or lack of it—is what I’ve been sitting with lately.
Specifically in therapy.
Specifically after I said one of the hardest, simplest things:
“I need your help.”
🎧 Alexa, Play “Discipline” by Nine Inch Nails
“I need your discipline. I need your help. I need your discipline.
You know once I start I cannot help myself…”
That’s exactly what I said to my therapist recently—not in those lyrics, but in sentiment.
I was explaining how I’m struggling not to let my worst impulses win. How I keep pulling away emotionally when I start to care. The more I like someone, the louder that voice in my head gets saying:
“Back up before it hurts.”
He knows my history. He’s been through the Blonde Hippie era and the Smooth Jazz saga with me. He’s seen me fall and crawl my way back.
His advice?
“Stay in the moment. One day at a time.”
And still, I pulled away. Again.
🎶 Lyric Check-In
“Am I—Am I still tough enough?
Feels like I’m wearing down, down, down, down, down
Is my viciousness
L-losing ground, ground, ground, ground, ground?
Am I taking too much?
Did I cross a line, line, line?
I need my role in this
Very clearly defined.”
That’s Discipline by Nine Inch Nails. And those lyrics? They hit hard right now.
To me, the song is about internal conflict—battling between what we want and what we fear, between strength and softness, between who we think we should be and who we really are.
According to the AI-generated song meaning (shout out to tech), I wasn’t far off.
But I’d still love to ask Trent Reznor—fellow Taurus—about this in person. A girl can dream.
🏃♀️ Run, Baby, Run (Except Don’t)
I’ve been dating again. And one of my worst instincts lately?
Run.
Not physically—emotionally.
I don't feel as resilient as I used to.
I think about my childhood, growing up feeling unloved.
I think about being the "ugly friend" (more on that in an upcoming post).
I think about the exes who made me feel disposable, the moments where vulnerability equaled punishment, not intimacy.
And somehow—after all of that—I’m still standing.
Some days, it’s shaky. Some nights, I cry more than I want to admit.
But I’m still here.
💬 The Honesty Tax
There’s a guy I started liking. We were getting closer. I was being vulnerable—again—even with the weight of sharing my HSV status and the risk of being rejected.
Do you know how much courage that takes? To tell someone the thing that’s caused so many others to vanish?
Yeah, I know people think that’s brave. Or “resilient.”
But when the intrusive thoughts hit—
“It’s going to happen again.”
—I start retreating. Just like that.
He went out of town for a wedding. Communication dropped off. I didn’t want to seem clingy. I didn’t want to be “too much.”
But he didn’t say much either.
I wasn’t asking for a text every hour. But… same day? At least?
So I matched his energy. And now?
Four days. No contact.
I live by the 3-day rule:
“If you haven’t talked in three days, that’s a wrap.”
To be fair, his last message wasn’t really a convo-starter.
To be honest, I didn’t respond because I already felt him slipping.
🤐 Hermit Mode Activated
It’s not just dating—I’ve been doing this with my friends too.
When I get down, I shut up. I go quiet. I don’t want to bring people down or be a burden. So I retreat. Quietly.
But one of my girls? She didn’t let me.
She kept checking in. She invited me on a yacht day (because apparently, that’s a thing now), and I didn’t even realize how badly I needed it.
Maybe it was the sun. Maybe it was the seals.
Maybe it was just feeling included. Feeling loved. Feeling wanted without having to perform.
In the past, group settings like that felt like walking into a lion’s den. This time? It felt different.
It felt safe.
🛏️ Sex, Celibacy & Control
Almost a year of celibacy.
September 3rd will mark it officially.
And yeah, I remember the date. Not because I’m obsessed—because it gave me back some control.
But that doesn’t mean the desire goes away.
The need for touch. The craving for connection.
That’s my id. Loud as ever.
Sometimes I even get tempted to not disclose my status. To just skip it.
Because I’m tired of being rejected.
But then the super-ego chimes in. Reminds me of who I am. What I believe.
I can’t be dishonest. I won’t.
Then the ego steps in—calmly—and says:
“You want someone who’s honest with you, too. That’s non-negotiable.”
Maybe that’s how I got HSV in the first place—because someone else wasn’t honest.
🛳️ Real Talk on a Trolley
That same friend who pulled me out of my funk?
We were on a trolley headed to the Padres vs. Red Sox game, and I opened up.
Told her I felt something had shifted with the guy. Even though he was back from his trip, the vibe felt different. Distant.
She reminded me that I know my own patterns.
That I might be pulling back as a trauma response.
That I might be running before anything can really begin.
She brought up the ex—the one who moved in the girl he was truly in love with, all while gaslighting me. That one still stings. She got it.
She told me:
“You’ve had a rough go of it. Of course you’re scared. Of course you want to run.”
🐚 Hermit Crab Energy Isn’t It
But I also know this: hiding isn't the answer.
My therapist said it best:
“It’s okay to go at your own pace. You don’t owe anyone your vulnerability until you feel safe.”
“Set the boundaries that make you feel in control. You can wait until you feel the relationship is clearly defined.”
That struck a chord.
Because I’ve always tried to go it alone. Always tried to maintain control. To not need anyone.
But sometimes? You do.
And it’s okay to say so.
👀 Oh Look, a Ghost Rises
Just when I thought I was done with the “what ifs,” someone else rose from the Bumble graveyard.
Apparently, I’m hotter in hindsight.
Even though I just wrote about not giving second chances in Tales from the Lyft, I’m sitting here asking myself:
“What if…?”
Did I mention he’s Jimmy G hot?
I mean… I know that’s not enough.
But still.
See? There it goes again.
The id vs. ego struggle.
Just like “Fraud” said…
👇 Keep Reading, Listening, or Lurking
If you’ve made it this far—thank you. Truly.
If you want more, you can:
✨ Click the arrows at the bottom of the page to check out more stories.
📖 Or head to Story Time in the nav bar to binge at your own pace.
🎧 And if you’re curious what all of this sounds like emotionally, check out my Apple Music playlist under Soundtrack to My Life. It’s basically a diary in song form.
Feel free to stick around, re-read, or lurk. I’m glad you’re here.