Born Tired
Well, hello! I missed you too!
There’s a lot of phrases I use on a daily basis but I don’t think there’s words that leave my lips more than “I’m tired”. There’s different kinds of tired. You can be physically, emotionally or metaphorically tired as in “I’m tired of this shit”. I’m probably a combination of all three.
Alexa, play “Born Tired” by Jhene Aiko…
“Baby, I was born tired. Getting more tired as life passes me by. I’ma need more fire. Way, way more fire. So pass that thing my wayyyy…”
For those who are new here, my upbringing wasn’t particularly rosy. I witnessed things and experienced cruel treatment at the hands of my own family. I wrote about it in detail in my post, The 90s. Having been through a lot has made me an empath for better or worse. It’s an asset because it makes people easily relate to me and feel comfortable telling me things that are troubling them. Then it’s a liability when people start to take my kindness and willingness to be there for them as weakness. You know the old adage: “No good deed goes unpunished”.
Over the past month, I’ve been distracting myself with the world’s problems, politics, doing things for others and sulking in my sadness late at night. I’ve also been going to game nights at a friend’s house and going on Bumble BFF dates which can be fun. I’ve met a nice girl, so that’s a positive.
Back to my sadness. Remember when I wrote Photograph? Well, I guess Smooth Jazz and I were not meant to be. I’ll write more on the details of that later. The Cliff’s Notes version is that once you betray my trust after I confide in you, there’s no going back. My celibacy was and still is an important factor in my healing journey. I don’t wish to give myself to temporary people and people who will break my spirit. I’m trying to avoid it as best I can but I’m not very good at it.
“Three deep breaths. Ten steps backwards. Going backwards. Now I'm switchin' lanes. Tire marks on my heart. It don't beat the same, no…”
With everything I’ve endured even over the last year, I’m tired. I’m just emotionally and physically exhausted. One thing has given me hope that I can switch lanes and change the course of the road of disappointment I’ve been traveling on. I didn’t say “Oh, he’s nice enough” with a guy I recently went on two dates with and he didn’t waste my time either. The first date was drinks at a small bar in Kensington. For those who don’t know, it’s kind of a hipster-ish area with historic homes in San Diego. Some homes have the landmark placard. It’s pretty neat.
Anyways, he’s an educator and I liked that. I knew he wasn’t dumb. He’s 13 years my senior. I also liked that. But in the end after the second date talking over vegan Thai food, we both discovered that there was no chemistry. I think the moment we realized it was when we looked at the couples passing us by on the street as we dined outside. They walked by hand-in-hand, smiling, laughing and looking lovingly into each other’s eyes. I thought to myself “That will never be us” and he felt the same. He texted me after our date had ended and told me that as beautiful as he thought I was and as nice as I was — the chemistry wasn’t there. I sighed in relief and smiled as I texted that the feeling was mutual and thanked him for his honesty. We wished each other the best of luck and that was that.
“It's been a long night, long life, long time fighting. Let out a long sigh. Alright, why am I trying? 'Cause look at how far you have come. And look at all that you have going. Look at who have become. Baby, you gotta keep going…”
Even though things haven’t been particularly fruitful in the romance department, I’ve learned a lot. I have a clearer picture of what I want. I have more conviction in leaving when things don’t feel right. I’m trusting myself and my instincts more. I’m learning to really guard my heart and not be so trusting. I’m learning that sometimes my words on these pages could be something someone will attempt to use against me.
More importantly, I have a renewed sense of wanting to get back to the things that bring me peace. Online dating isn’t one of them. Putting others before myself is something I like doing but I need to learn not to overextend myself or neglect myself for other people. I have to see people for their actions and not hollow words. I can’t give up when things seem bleak. I’ve been through quite a bit. And even though I’m tired, I can’t give up on anything from my love life to making new friends to establishing who I am truly meant to be. Life is a marathon, not a 40-yard dash.
“Ayy, I'm tired, but I'm fired up. Tired, but I'm fired up. Tired, but I'm fired up. Tired, but I'm fired up…”
And now it’s 1:11 am on Saturday morning. I’m sleepy…
Photo by David Clode on Unsplash