Welcome to my Mind

It’s been awhile — 5 months to be exact. Allow me to reintroduce myself. My name is HOV (Kidding!). All jokes aside, for those that are new here — My name is Nickole. I’m addicted to make up, corgi videos, classic movies and horrible men. I’m a victim of my own overthinking and insecurities. Lastly, one of the most important things about me is that I speak through song.

Siri, play “Welcome to my Mind” by Spencer Barnett.

I live in my head, I’m in here all alone. Let nobody in. I’m better on my own. Overthinking every day, every day, every day. Keeping me awake every day, every day. I know I should clean it before I let you see it…

Once upon a time, I used to hate being alone; it was mainly because I had to be alone with the million and one thoughts swirling around this cranium of mine. I conquered that during the height of the pandemic in 2020. My stepfather was drinking himself to death, my mother was depressed, I was burning the wick at both ends helping keep them afloat and I had broken up with someone when the lockdowns started— I didn’t rush to throw myself into someone else’s bed or go out to COVID parties. I actually started writing and addressing the thoughts in my head. I embraced them and weeded out the thoughts that weren’t good for me versus the constructive ones. I started running outdoors. I started cooking, which I’ve stopped and need to get back into. More importantly, I took time for introspection. That’s where my stories come from; they’re written from a place of healing, learning, understanding and sometimes saying “Well, I’m not doing THAT shit again!”.

When people were going nuts about not being able to gather in large groups or get hammered at the bar every weekend — I was convinced those were people who don’t like being alone. They don’t like hanging out with themselves. Sometimes it’s just fucking needed. Don’t be afraid of your thoughts. I promise you, they’re not all that bad. Sometimes your pain can be your greatest teacher. If you need to heal, you can’t heal with distractions or adding another vice. It’s temporary “happiness”; those demons will be right there waiting when the Hennessy or Tequila is done flushing out of your system. You’ll be right back in that dark space, feeling fucked up and wanting to get fucked up. It’s a vicious cycle.

I’ve said this before. But again, if you’re new here…

Welcome to my mind. It’s a little dark sometimes. But I’m turning off all of these lights so you can see what it’s like where I stay, I stay, I stay, I stayyyyy. In my head, I stay, I stay, I stay, I stayyyyyy.