Sunflower x The Shade
“The sunflower is mine…in a way.” - Vincent Van Gogh
"Sunflowers end up facing the sun, but they go through a lot of dirt to find their way there." – J.R. Rim
It’s very rare that I begin a piece with a quote, but this felt appropriate. I never thought I would write a piece dedicated to a flower, its symbolism and meaning in my life — but here we are!
I’ve never discussed this but my favorite flower is the sunflower. Whenever someone finds out my favorite flower is that and my favorite color is yellow, they look perplexed and ask “Why?”. I suppose the normal favorite flower for a woman or girl is a rose, lily or tulip and their favorite color is pink or purple.
There’s a method to my madness which I’ll discuss through the lens of music, art and symbolism.
Alexa play “Sunflower” by Rex Orange County…
“I don’t wanna see you cry. You don’t have to feel this emptiness…”
If you read some of my earlier stories such as The 90s and Here to Forever — then you know that my upbringing wasn’t exactly all rainbows and sunshine. My childhood and adolescence were particularly rough. I’ve seen things no child should witness such as the physical abuse of my mother at the hands of her older sibling and I’ve seen greed destroy my family and rip away my very foundation (my childhood home).
I suffered from an anxiety attack at 8-years-old because of the traumatic events I endured at the hands of my own flesh and blood as I was grappling with losing my grandparents within a period of 2 years at a young age. Because my mother and I lived pillow-to-post for a year after being served what we now know is a fake eviction notice from our family — I changed schools a lot. I felt utterly alone. I didn’t get the chance to grieve the loss of the grandparents who helped raise me. I was diagnosed with Depression at 13-years-old.
One of the tips I was given for when I have the blues is to think about things that I find joy in. I couldn’t think of anything that brought me joy besides watching classic movies at the time. Then one day, my screensaver on my computer flashed a picture of a sunflower and I smiled. That’s when I changed my background and screensaver to permanently feature sunflowers. That’s also the moment I decided my favorite color was yellow. I’m sure you’ve noticed this site is splashed in yellow.
“Cause I hate it when I feel like I’m not me. See, I honestly don’t even know why I’m tryna keep my mind at bay. Sunflower still grows at night. Waiting for a minute til the sun’s seen through my eyes…”
But why sunflowers? Why the color yellow? I asked myself that same question recently. I said there must be a reason for my love of sunflowers. Why do they bring me happiness when I’m blue or when I feel that all hope is lost?
Sunflowers are known as the “happy flower”, a symbol of optimism, positivity and strength. Their vibrant colors have been known to lift people’s moods (There’s different variations of sunflowers. Not all of them are yellow). Their sturdy stems represent loyalty and strong bonds. Sunflowers follow the sun which can symbolize devotion and faith.
I always had trouble verbalizing the isolation and loneliness I felt inside. It didn’t help that I not only felt that way at school but with my family too. My cousins pretty much treated me like an outcast even when one was living at our apartment my freshman year of high school because as he said I’m “too white”. I wasn’t invited to hang out with them. I do have one cousin who has never alienated me and he still comes by to visit or calls randomly. I need to get better at doing that with him.
“The flower that follows the sun does so even on cloudy days.” – Robert Leighton
Sunflowers are seen as a symbol of resilience and longevity. I’ve long been told by people I’ve met that know about my upbringing and struggles with friends and romantic partners that I’m resilient. I was told that by the 22-year-old man who manipulated me to take my innocence while still sleeping with his ex-girlfriend (That’s another story for another time).
There’s days I’m resilient as they say, but then there’s other days I have trouble looking towards the sun through the clouds. Depression does that to you. But these days, I’m more cognizant of when I’m sad because of an event versus when I’m wallowing. At first I thought admitting that I struggle from time to time is showing weakness. I realize now that knowing those key differences and acknowledging them is a strength. Pushing through sadness and not giving up is strength. Sunflowers grow in soil that isn’t particularly hospitable to them. Adversity is their friend.
Alexa, play “The Shade” by Rex Orange County…
“Then I was openin' the door just to see if you would walk through. I started paintin' all the walls just to see if you like the shade…”
I picked this particular part of the song because I’m moving on to one of the artists I’m obsessed with Vincent Van Gogh, who wanted to be known as “the painter of sunflowers”. And he is. Most people think Van Gogh only painted one canvas of sunflowers (the one with the turquoise background); it’s actually a SERIES!!! You’re welcome for this new information. ‘
According to the Van Gogh Museum in the Netherlands, Van Gogh sought to create a space for artists to come, live and create in Arles, France. Can you guess the color of the house and the walls inside? It was all yellow. Between 1888-1889, Van Gogh painted five canvases using three shades of yellow and nothing else. Per the museum’s description of Sunflowers: “In this way, he demonstrated that it was possible to create an image with numerous variations of a single colour, without any loss of eloquence.” And some of his contemporaries considered the sunflower “unrefined and coarse”, unworthy of being the focal point of an art piece.
For Van Gogh, sunflowers communicated gratitude and he hoped that he could entice his friend artist Paul Gougin to live at the Yellow House. When he finally did, he hung the first two in Gougin’s room. Gougin loved the paintings so much that he asked for one as a gift.
I guess what I am getting at in my roundabout way is that often the things we think are unremarkable, someone can find joy in them. I consider myself unremarkable like the sunflower; The beautiful flowers, the roses of the world make impressions and break necks when they enter the room. Yet, I remain hopeful and ready to rain sunshine on those who look down on me or I guess don’t acknowledge my existence. I haven’t had the most hospitable environment around me and yet I’m still around. I’m still growing.There are people who see my value. There are people who see my beauty. I guess those are my “Van Gogh’s”. They see me regardless of the opinions of their contemporaries. And in the end, that’s all that matters.
I’ve gone through a lot of dirt to find my tribe. I’ve shapeshifted. I’ve edited who I am to fit what I think the world wants. But now I’ve painted all of my walls in my true color and I’m glad they like the shade. There’s always room for them in the Yellow House of my soul.