Imperfect For You
Now that we’re done talking about what I don’t want, we can talk about what I do want. I’ve made a list of what I want in a potential partner. If I could be a mad scientist and create my perfect guy using the redeeming qualities of every man I’ve dated and leave out the sucky parts, I totally would. He’d spring up from the table and I’d yell, “It’s alive!”.
I know that’s not realistic and it’s very Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein but level with me as long as I’m dreaming — wouldn’t that be the most awesome thing ever? People talk about being able to pick what genetic traits your kids have (test tube babies!). So, why can’t I dream about creating the perfect man? Lab coat on…
Alexa play “Imperfect For You” by Ariana Grande
“How could we know this was a happy disaster? I’m glad we crashed and burned. I’ll never forget when you told me. You said usually I’m fucked up anxious, too much but I’ll love you like you need me to. Imperfect for you…”
If you’re unfamiliar with the story of Frankenstein, I’ll refresh your memory of the premise: Frankenstein is not the monster. Victor Frankenstein is the scientist who creates an artificial man from pieces of corpses and brings it to life. The creature seeks affection and love but inspires loathing in the people who meet it causing the monster to become lonely and turn on its creator whom he eventually kills.
In my story, the “corpses” I’m creating my proverbial monster from are boyfriends or flings from the past. Drake said, “They say take the good with the bad. I’ll take it without”. From Dimples, I’ll take his physical appearance: dark hair, light eyes, nice tan and a nice chest. I’ll also take his spontaneity like when we drove to Las Vegas and wound up taking unpaved road for like 20 miles through a nature preserve in the Mojave Desert without cell service. Was I scared? Hell yeah. But it makes for a good story. Lastly, I’d take our sexual chemistry.
In 8 Mile, I’ll take his music taste minus Counting Crows. We can leave them out. But I can say it was nice to be with someone who had almost similar taste in music where we could be riding in the car listening to Mobb Deep and all was right with the world. I’ll also take his love of sports in general. In the Blonde hippie, I’ll take his love of nature, humor and his extensive vocabulary. In my first boyfriend, I can’t remember what nickname i gave him for the life of me (maybe because it’s 3:17 am) — I’d take…you know what? Nothing. In Florida Man, I’d take….nothing as well. Those two “corpses” can stay buried completely.
There’s a few that I haven’t gotten around to writing about. In Shorty, the Marine I dated for 2 years off-and-on, I’ll take his generosity and the way he always looked at me like I was the only girl in the world to him. Another person I haven’t written about who has qualities I would include is the former NFL player. We didn’t really “date” nor did we ever get intimate but I’ll write about those details later. I’d take his financial literacy (he currently gives rookies financial advice) and his chivalry, because he never pressured me to do something I wasn’t ready for.
“Invention, it must be humbly admitted, does not consist in creating out of void, but out of chaos; the materials must, in the first place be afforded: it can give form to dark, shapeless substances, but cannot bring into being the substance itself.” (Wollstonecraft Shelley, 1818)
I’ve been afforded the materials in my past lovers. In my loneliness, I’ve wondered what it would be like to create the perfect creature for me as dating has been less than fruitful. Usually anything done to fill a void has disastrous consequences.
As the lights flicker and the creature stirs, I stare in wonder and satisfaction. He’s not as handsome as I had hoped for considering he’s a mixture of most of the men I’ve known. But he’s mine; tall and lurchy with a face only a mother or his creator could love.
He longs for love and I long to love him. Even though he is “perfect” in all ways, his distorted appearance creates fear amongst my nearest and dearest. “How could you love this creature? He’s so ugly.” I say to them “He is unlovable and so am I. Why should we not love each other?”.
“It is true, we shall be monsters, cut off from all the world; but on that account we shall be more attached to one another.” (Wollstonecraft Shelley, 1818)
As we walk hand in hand down the street, the petrified stares of strangers begin to make me wonder if I’ve made a mistake. The creature’s clumsy nature and lack of real human qualities begin to take its toll on me.
The creature demands more of me and I spend less time with him, instilling in him the loathing and loneliness that I felt. It begins to foster resentment like that of an unloved child.
“ […] ‘Accursed creator! Why did you form a monster so hideous that even you turned from me in disgust? God, in pity, made man beautiful and alluring, after his own image; but my form is a filthy type of yours, more horrid even from the very resemblance. Satan and his companions, fellow-devils, to admire and encourage him; but I am solitary and abhorred’ “ (Wollstonecraft Shelley, 1818)
My intentions were good. I wanted to love my creation. But in the end, the perfection was false and I longed for realness. I plot his demise not knowing his love would be the death of me.
“Listen to me Frankenstein. You accuse me of murder; and yet you would with a satisfied conscience, destroy your own creature. Oh, praise the eternal justice of man!” (Wollstonecraft Shelley, 1818)
The creature and I have turned on each other. My soul has met its demise. Life seems to begin when we think we’ve found perfection and once that vision we’ve created begins to fade, it feels like death.
Rather than “play God” like Dr. Frankenstein, I’ll take my chances searching for someone who is imperfect for me.
Back to Ariana Grande….
“How could we know we'd make the bad stuff delightful? Mm I'm glad we crashed and burned, I know we'll be there for each other”…
*Quotes are from Mary Wollstonecraft Shelley’s 1818 work Frankenstein and Ariana Grande’s song “Imperfect for You”. I do not own the rights to either one.