Another Musical Trip Around the Sun
I know. It’s been well over a month since my last piece. I’ve missed you too, Boo-Boo. But I thought I’d grace you with my presence because…
It’s my birthday tomorrow!!!! I’m turning the big 3-7. I know, you can’t get over this youthfulness I have going on. Sometimes I look in the mirror and I forget I’m staring down the barrel of 40. Why did I just hear New Found Glory’s “It’s all downhill from hereeeee” in my head? But does it have to be “All downhill”?
As I’m writing this, I’m sitting under the hair dryer letting my beautician get my weave looking right for this weekend. There will be no half-stepping. I even had my birthday weekend planned weeks in advance. I NEVER do that; Which, I guess says I’m at the very least optimistic? Or maybe it’s because I have some solid girlfriends in my life to do things with on my birthday? Despite not having a man, to be honest I haven’t had a boyfriend on my birthday in like three years, I’m ok with it.
If you’re new here, I’m romantically cursed. No, really. I haven’t had the best judgment on who I let into my life or when I should leave. Although, over the last two years — I’ve gotten way better at it. Honestly, this whole Diddy trial and Cassie’s testimony along with people’s reactions blaming Cassie for her alleged abuser’s behavior makes me want to reach through my screen and smack them. Who are you to judge someone who’s been abused for staying? Fear is what makes you stay. Abusers chip away at your self-esteem to make themselves feel better and make you feel like you have no options. I should know. I wrote about my own emotionally abusive situation. I’m fortunate it never turned physical since the people in my life feared that it would. But my heart goes out to, her. She left her situation as did I. The best part? My writing helped save another woman from him.
There’s definitely been some ups and downs in the friend department too. But I think becoming less of a shapeshifter and just having the strength to finally just be me and have that be enough has brought the right friends into my life. If I’m lucky, this 37th trip around the sun will be filled with more love platonically and romantically. Not sure how I’ll get the latter since I’ve quit Bumble. Yep, I’ve given up dating apps for the priesthood. I’m tired of spending money only to be disappointed. Maybe like in Justin Timberlake’s “Not a Bad Thing” someone will tap me on the shoulder and say “You might fuck around and find your dreams come true with me. You spent all your time and your money just to find out that my love is free”.
I’ve also been celibate for eight months. My previous record was six months. I think I may just go the distance and make it a year. It’s partially by choice and partially by circumstance which I’ve also written about recently. I’m very sure the next time I have sex I won’t even know how. I’ll be too afraid to sound like a pterodactyl in heat while moaning and like my facial expressions will be awkward because I haven’t done it in so long. Maybe I should practice in front of the mirror like people do when they’re not good at smiling. I don’t know. This is new territory…somewhat. Whoever takes my “born again virginity” should be warned that this will be sex with training wheels. I don’t think I even remember what a penis feels like.
So back to my optimism for year 37 — I’m sure this year will bring many adventures with my friends and more things for me to write about. Not sure if dating will be one. Maybe. Who knows? I know only one thing to be true: Life will be life-ing and I will keep writing. Thank you for joining me on this musical journey of telling my life’s stories that I started five years ago.
“Chill til the next episode” (in my Dr. Dre voice).
With love & sunshine,
Nickole, the birthday girl.
Photo by Pineapple Supply Co. on Unsplash