Now That She’s Gone x There You Go

*This is a bookend story. I suggest reading “Traitor/True Story/Eternal Sunshine” parts 1 & 2 before reading this. It will make the references much easier to understand if you are new here. And if you are new here…Welcome!

Hey there! It’s been a while. Life comes at you fast. My life seems to be moving at lightning speed while balancing work, family obligations, friends and I guess my dating life? My dating life seems to be the only thing moving at snail’s pace, But that’s ok. I’m focused on a lot more than that right now.

Maybe I’m just feeling meh because of the bullshit I put up with over the last year. In fact, I barely swipe and when I’m scrolling through the 2000+ faces in my likes on Bumble, I really don’t like any of them. Although, I did go on a successful first date with a handsome 6’2 gentleman last weekend. When I tell you this man is handsome, I’m talking Jimmy G handsome. I’d love to see him model some Levi’s. Whoa, Nelly!

But for the most part I don’t like any of these guys. Speaking of scrolling, swiping and not liking people — I received an unpleasant surprise in my likes…the return of Florida Man.

Alexa play “Now That She’s Gone” by Destiny’s Child…

“Understand? I understand. Why you think I want you back? After what you did to me? Did you think you blinded me? Boy, you know whatever you do, it will all come back to youuuuuuu…”

Pretty much anyone I’ve told about this has said “That man has serious issues". I agree. But I guess I shouldn’t expect anything less from the guy who said he created a fake profile to cyberstalk me for months last summer after he dumped me and I moved on happily as a singleton. I was on a journey of self-discovery and healing. My natural hair looked healthy. My skin was skinning. My melanin was popping because of my tanning while running outdoors. I was hanging out with friends and family. I didn’t let him destroy me. If anything, I was much happier without him despite my mother’s battle with breast cancer in the background.

So, naturally here he is again because after all of the bullshit he did the second time involving C and trying to get her into his apartment under the guise of “helping a friend” when he really just wanted to manipulate her into giving up her panties — she didn’t move in. His grand plan blew up in his face. Two weeks after I ended things and didn’t respond after he tried to gaslight me as if the breakup was my fault — I told Florida Man that he would never touch me again after he sent me the dreaded “I miss you” message and he said “ I don’t want to. Never again. Not with you or hairy bush woman”. Then why are you here?

Alexa play “There You Go” by Pink...

“So you say you wanna talk? I don’t. Say you wanna change? I won’t. Yeah, it’s like that. Had your chance. Won’t take you back. Now what, what ya think about that? […] Had to have it your way. Had to play games. Now you’re begging me to stay…”

I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt. I really did. He showed his redneck ass. He decided to play a stupid game and he won a stupid prize. Somehow I knew if his bum ass came across me on Bumble he’d swipe right. Not because he’s “in love with me”. It’s because he can’t stand the idea that I don’t need him. I’m not begging for his affection like Hairy Bush Woman does. I guess if I looked like her, I’d be desperate to be with a wrinkled full jean outfit (Get an iron bro!) wearing man in a cowboy hat and shit kicker shoes. He looks like a cowboy from TEMU. He’s Dustin Lynch from WISH. When I dated him the first time, he dressed somewhat normal. I’m not in the market for a “Redneck Romeo”.

Why should I long for the affection of someone who showed me he didn’t give a damn about me not once but TWICE? I don’t do 3-Peats. And since he hates when I say this expression because he wants me to deny my blackness to appease him, I say to Florida Man: “KISS MY BLACK ASS!". Now be gone, fake ass Jason Aldean.

And Dear Universe: Please send me a man with some soul who knows how to date a black woman and won’t try to dilute my blackness because it makes him uncomfortable. No more unseasoned chicken eaters. I need a man who likes Popeye’s, not KFC. He can enjoy Living Single and Friends. Furthermore, please send someone who won’t have the spirit of Harriet Tubman looking over me in disappointment as he tries to tell me the Civil War “wasn’t about slavery”. Thanks.

*For those who think I’m being petty by flaming him, he shouldn’t have disturbed my peace if he didn’t want the smoke. And that’s on PERIODT.