Middle Ground

Hello Again!

Ugh. It’s the end of the year and you know what that means? Holiday couple activities and seasonal depression.

I told myself I wouldn’t torture myself on dating apps during the holidays—because honestly, it’s better to be alone than to go on bad dates. But then part of me thinks, “What if I get a Hallmark Christmas miracle? What if some guy helps me save my Christmas tree farm and we fall in love?” Then I remember—I don’t own a Christmas tree farm.

For the last few months, I’ve been scheduling dates and then bailing. It’s like, “Sure, I’d love to go to dinner.” But then I think, “Ew, getting to know another human? What if I hate him?” Yeah, I’m in quite the quandary.

Alexa, play “Middle Ground” by Alessia Cara…

“I don't like boys, but I do. I just hate it when they make me cry.
I got barbwire around my house.
But if someone would trade it for a picket fence, I wouldn't mind…”

For those new here: It’s been a challenging year emotionally. I thought I was ready to jump back into dating after making the biggest misstep—getting back together with Florida Man (see Traitor/True Story/Eternal Sunshine Pt. 1 -> Diss Track Summer). Turns out, I was still fragile and skittish.

I went on dates with two guys from Bumble who both ghosted me around the same time. That’s when I decided I was happier alone. I focused on friendships and avoided dating for four months—and sex for five months—until Smooth Jazz (see Stranger for more).

“And I could use a hug, sometimes.
A little bit of love, sometimes.
My bed's a little cold on the left side.
But it's warm enough, sometimes…”

I shifted my focus to Bumble BFF adventures. I’ve always struggled with making girlfriends—never had many, and most turned out to be backstabbing bitches (more on that later). So imagine my surprise when channeling my energy into friendship actually worked—I found two solid friends and kept my guy friend who I dated briefly last year. My heart feels full there.

But I’m stuck in this weird lull. I keep going back and forth—wanting to date (I even reactivated my Bumble account) and keeping men at arm’s length. I wonder if it’s worth interrupting my peace for another man who might just make me lose my hair.

“I don't know what I want.
Would I be better off alone or with someone?
Driving me crazy (ah).
I don't know what I want.
To give in or give up.
This middle ground I'm on is driving me crazy, crazy…”

I want to be touched. I want to be kissed. I want to hold hands. But I’m not looking for something temporary or with an emotionally abusive psychopath. I’m trying to let go of fear without forgetting the lessons I’ve learned.

Right now, I’ve got a guy who met me walking out of Leucadia Pizza pursuing me… and another man who ghosted me months ago trying to set me up with his brother. Life is so weird.

I guess dating with scars is like almost getting kidnapped when I was out running—it hasn’t stopped me from running, but I’ve definitely learned to keep my head on a swivel.

You weren’t expecting that ending, huh?!

A lonely lovebird. Photo by Aleksandar Andreev on Unsplash