Go Wrong

Those who know me best, know that I’m a chronic overthinker. I nitpick everything to death. I don’t want to be that way. I just am. I’m a product of unfortunate circumstances and my reaction to them. I’m so used to losing that when I’m winning, I get this ominous feeling that things will go awry. My anxiety kicks into high gear.

No, I don’t hyperventilate or take medication for anxiety. But I don’t sleep well if my mind is not at ease. Yes, I know there’s this thing called Melatonin but I don’t like pills or medication of any kind having to do with mental distress. There’s reasons for that which I am not prepared to share right now. Me, coy about something? It’s kind of surprising.

Right now, my anxiety is due to feeling like I have to be everything to everyone in my house right now. I have quite a bit on my plate with that. The one thing that gives me a little bit of refuge is spending time with the guy I’m seeing. But even that provokes anxiety right now.

Alexa, play “Go Wrong” by Hauskey…

“I wanna be as bright like Summer at noon. But I’m so used to being down that I don’t trust good news. Holes in my sweater that I’ve worn through, from fighting monsters with a feather…”

It’s worth noting that it’s not him, it’s me. Well, based on past actions I am reacting a certain way to certain things that happen throughout our days together or our days apart. For instance, when we went on a mini excursion to Temecula and Julian/Santa Ysabel, I wanted to get a few snaps of us together. He didn’t really seem interested, which brought me back to a familiar feeling of not being hot enough or good enough for someone I’m seeing to want to document our times together. Sounds ridiculous, right? Well, not to me. My last significant other didn’t want to do those things and guess what? He didn’t really want to be with me. It took me 10 months to find out, but the truth is that if someone doesn’t want to share you with the other people in their life especially in the days of socials, do they really want to be with you? Or are you being kept a secret from someone who’s their Facebook friend or someone who follows them on another platform?

I’ve dated my share of people with secrets and as I stated in a previous post, I had one of my own for the first time last year. My anxiety with my current beau stems from past actions, see “This is Me Trying”. But that boils down to another issue: forgiveness and letting go. It means that I need to be mindful and in the here and now. I can’t keep my mind in what happened last month or what happened with previous people. I have to judge him squarely for his actions and trust my own judgment. I have to trust myself if I decide to stay in this romantic situation or if I decide “Hey, this doesn’t feel right. I sense you’re playing me” and dip out.

“I get suspicious if I get my wishes. If I’m doing great, then something must be wrong. I know it isn’t healthy and it doesn’t help me. But I’ll sit and wait for something to go wrong. “

One thing’s for sure: constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop isn’t healthy for me. Like my mom said earlier, “It’s ok to want to not be gullible. But don’t be suspicious either”. Time to change the pathology…