Getting Older

Photo by Immo Wegmann on Unsplash

“One of the strange things about adulthood is that you are your current self, but you are also all the selves you used to be, the ones you grew out of but can't ever quite get rid of.”

― John Green, The Anthropocene Reviewed: Essays on a Human-Centered Planet

Hello, Yellow House crew. I hope you’re all having a wonderful beginning to 2025. Mine is starting with spending 6 hours on the phone with someone I was planning a date with (3 hours, 2 days in a row) and then him bailing on our date. He may have really been cough sick cough, but we haven’t really talked. We went from texting all day and him telling me he had a dream about me to radio silence. He has since deleted his Bumble account. I’ve also been fretting that I turn 37 years old in 4 months. So what I’m trying to say is: everything is awesome.

Alexa, play “Getting Older” by Billie Eilish…

“I'm getting older, I think I'm aging well. I wish someone had told me I'd be doing this by myself. There's reasons that I'm thankful, there's a lot I'm grateful for. But it's different when a stranger's always waiting at your door. Which is ironic 'cause the strangers seem to want me more than anyone before (anyone before). Too bad they're usually deranged…”

I do have a lot to be grateful for. I have better friends in my life than I’ve ever had including a long-distance one that I’ve gained through my writing (He’s been around since it was a baby blog). I have fostered closer relationships with my sisters and my father. My mother is still alive. I have step-parents on both sides that love me.

But the older I get, the more my romantic struggles tend to get to me. The dating apps scene is exhausting but then I don’t want to get off of them because I would never go on dates without their existence. At the same time, I’ve only met one normal guy on there. You guys remember “Short Hose”? I haven’t talked to that man in almost a year and please tell me why he had the audacity to send me a video of him jerking randomly last week?! See what I mean? Deranged. The more I struggle, the more the lingering fear I have of dying alone creeps into my thoughts. I know, that got really dark.

“Last week, I realized I crave pity. When I retell a story, I make everything sound worse. Can't shake the feeling that I'm just bad at healing. And maybe that's the reason every sentence sounds rehearsed. Which is ironic because when I wasn't honest, I was still being ignored…”

I don’t really believe that I crave pity. But I do think that’s probably the impression people get from my stories. For me, I’m merely writing about the things that keep me up at night, my experiences and the things I’ve learned. Sometimes I read them and think to myself, “God that sounds tragic.” and find myself asking if it really went down like that. And that’s just it: my stories are exactly as they happened in real time. How can I think anything but if it replays in my mind vividly as I read it? It’s always funny when being authentic and real gets you the same reaction as being phony and sugarcoating.

“I'm getting older, I've got more on my shoulders. But I'm getting better at admitting when I'm wrong. I'm happier than ever, at least that's my endeavor to keep myself together and prioritize my pleasure…”

Over the course of my self-reflection and storytelling of years past, I’ve accepted the part I’ve played in some of the things that I’ve endured. Whether it’s making fateful decisions to let the wrong people in my life (guys and gals), not listening to the advice of those older and wiser than myself or listening to the negative voices that told me I couldn’t do things I damn well could or that I’m unattractive, or shapeshifting to be what others thought I should be and doing things that the “crowd” is doing just to fit in — I own that. I learned way later in life than I should have that prioritizing my own desires is a much better use of my time and will make me far happier in the long run.

It’s hard to look yourself in the mirror knowing you didn’t live authentically and made your life about pleasing others to not be alone. I’ve found that the right people migrate towards you romantically and platonically if you’re true to yourself and know how to say “No” to things you really don’t want to do. Not knowing how to say “No” can get you into situations that cause traumas that can take years to heal. Do I wish I had learned these lessons sooner? Sure. But I guess, better late than never.

“But next week, I hope I'm somewhere laughing. For anybody asking, I promise I'll be fine. I've had some trauma, did things I didn't wanna. Was too afraid to tell ya, but now, I think it's time.”