Seasonal Depression’s Greetings! I’m still battling whatever the hell it is that I’ve got going on. This cough is obnoxious as well as the headaches. At least my fever has subsided. It’s been two weeks of being cooped up in the house working, watching TV and sleeping. But I know this too shall pass.

I wish I felt the same way about my love life. Maybe it’s the fact that I’m alone for the holidays (it’s not the first time). Unfortunately, because I’ve been bored and sick — any time I open my photos, Apple feels the need to put together some kind of slideshow of memories that I didn’t ask for. Yet, I fall for it everytime and start scrolling.

Alexa, play “Camera Roll” by Kacey Musgraves…

“All the best, that's all that's left. Cruel evidence, it does me no favors. I should know it's a place not to go, when I'm alone. I'll just feel bad later…”

It’s funny the feelings you get when scrolling through old pictures. Sometimes I wonder where in the hell a certain outfit I had on is. But when you’re going through old pictures with ex-partners and you’re reminded of the good times (the smiles, the laughs, the date nights, the birthdays, the kisses, etc.). It can play tricks on your mind. You’ll be saying to yourself , “We were cute together, huh?”.

Then your mind begins to deep dive into what the camera doesn’t capture: the fights, the forgotten phone calls, the disrespect,the neglect, the sleepless nights, the anxiety, etc. It’s not-so-cute anymore.

“Chronological order and nothing but torture. Scroll too far back, that's what you get. I don't wanna see 'em, but I can't delete 'em. It just doesn't feel right yet, not yet…”

You now remember all of the reasons why it didn’t work out. You’re grateful for the good times, bad times and lessons learned. We all have our reasons for not wanting to delete photos, I just never have. For some, it may have to do with still longing for the person. For others, it could be just forgetfulness or because they’ve maintained a friendship with that person. For myself — maybe it’s to remind me of those lessons learned so I can tell you stories. Honestly, I wouldn’t even have pictures with one of my exes if I hadn’t coerced him. I guess he was ashamed of me or something. Shrug.

“Anyway, thanks for all the nights and the days and everything that you gave. I'll never erase it. There's one where we look so in love. Before we lost all the sun and I made you take it…”

Knowing these things doesn’t help you feel less alone during the holidays, particularly Christmas where you see people shopping for gifts for their significant others, ice skating while holding hands or sitting in the park under a blanket looking at the stars (what we can see with the ambient light around here). I got that last example from a friend who I used to date. He called me while he was out walking his devilishly handsome dachshund to express his dismay at the coupledom. I didn’t realize the bug would bite me too. Maybe watching Meet Me in St. Louis and In The Good Old Summertime on TCM the other night was a bad move. I just love Judy Garland.

Alexa, play “Christmas Makes Me Cry” by Kacey Musgraves…

“It's all red and gold and Nat King Cole and tinsel on the tree. It's all twinkle lights and snowy nights and the kids still believe…”

Christmas was fun as a kid to a certain extent. Even though my mother and I went through a lot and after my grandparents passed she was on her own, she made miracles on Christmas. I always felt grateful. Of course as a kid, you always want to keep up with the Joneses but as Kevin Hart says, “You can’t hang out with everybody. The way my bank account is set up…”.

Christmas is like Valentine’s Day as a child: A lot of us had the same experiences on Christmas and we all got something in our cubbies on Valentine’s Day. When I reached high school, my parents started buying me flowers every Valentine’s Day and then stopped when I turned 18, got a job and could buy them myself. “Welcome to the real world they said to me condescendingly”…Like my tweak on John Mayer’s lyrics?

When you’re an adult, you’re reminded that you’re alone if you don’t have someone and more than likely your parents stopped giving you presents. But maybe that last part is just me. Actually, in recent years, they started giving me presents again like I do for them. My dad finally learned to stop giving me Walmart gift cards I’ll never use because I’m never there. I’m so proud of him. Ok, now I’m drifting.

“It's the ones we miss, no one to kiss under the mistletoe. Another year gone by, just one more that I, I couldn't make it home…”

Right now, I’m kind of bumming because I haven’t been able to go back to Missouri to be with my father and my sisters for Christmas in a couple of years. However, I did spend six weeks with them last year. I know they know I wish I could be there. I know if it snows they’ll think of me and send me photos since I’m always missing it even when I do go. All is not lost since I have family and friends in San Diego, I can spend the holidays with.

I guess my main source of sadness is how tragic my love life has been this year. IYKYK (If You Know, You Know). And if you don’t know, when you finish reading this — go read my other stories. Dating apps have been the bane of my existence. And of course, my most recent disappointment is the lifeguard contacting me 8 months after ghosting me to try to set me up with his brother. After sending my photos, he didn’t get back to me until almost 2 weeks later stating his brother thought he was ready to get back into dating but he’s not. I just wished him a Merry Christmas and said thanks for trying. It could be the truth, but also it could be the gentle way of saying my brother thinks you’re ugly. 2024 clearly isn’t done with me yet. 9 more days to go. Seeing these Kay Jewelers and Zales ads every other commercial break while watching TV isn’t helping.

“It seems like everybody else is having fun. I wonder if I'm the only one, whose broken heart still has broken parts just wrapped in pretty paper. And it's always sad seeing mom and dad getting a little grayer…”

I haven’t been on a date in months. However, I guess I’m now talking to someone about meeting up. We’ll see how that goes. My talking about my love of the Oxygen show “Snapped” didn’t scare him off of the phone tonight and he got my job joke “The Rat King at Paddy’s Pub”(Charlie’s job in It’s Always Sunny). He could be a winner. He could be a dud. Maybe we’ll end up friends. But I know one thing about this upcoming week for sure:

“And they always say, "Have a happy holiday”. And every year, I swear I sincerely try.
Oh, but Christmas, it always makes me cry.”

I know that I’m not the only one having a tough time with the holidays. As the days have gotten shorter and the nights have gotten colder, it’s only natural to want companionship. I hope that for you — if you were feeling alone, like you’re the only one experiencing this pain that you know there’s 7 billion people on this planet and somebody, somewhere knows exactly how you feel. We’re all in this together whether we know it or not. And I want to wish you all a Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanzaa, Happy Boxing Day…all of the days.

With Love & Sunshine,

Nickole

Camera Roll x Christmas Makes Me Cry

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