Small Hose

I think this story is self-explanatory by the title. It’s a well known fact that women like a guy in a uniform and a pension. I’m joking, not joking about that last part.

But there is something about first responders that literally makes them think that they are God’s gift to women. And this hose dragger apparently thinks the sex between us was good enough to make me forget he’s an asshole.

I met him on Tinder (There seems to be a common thread in all of my fucked up stories) and our conversation wasn’t terrible, although it is kind of a blur now. I found out that my ex-boyfriend who I had broken up with about six months prior, proposed to the woman he cheated on me with at Disneyland (a place I asked him to go with me multiple times) the same day as our first date. Needless to say, I was wounded and I was going to bail on the hose dragger. He somehow convinced me to keep our date. I wound up spending the night with him. BIG MISTAKE.

This wound up being about a month of back and forth and dealing with jerky behavior including him referring to himself as a “chauffeur” because I had problems with a Volkswagen Beetle that quite literally was breaking down on me every time I turned around but because I didn’t want car payments, I kept putting off junking it. I wound up getting a new car later that year but that’s besides the point. If you want the ass, at least put some effort into it. You can pick me up like a gentleman.

The kicker came on my birthday. We weren’t a couple but of course I had to teach him a lesson trying to make me a booty call on my birthday. I went out with someone else that I didn’t sleep with and he made my birthday special for me. The next morning after ignoring and forwarding the hose dragger’s calls, I finally picked up about 6 am. You can guess where that conversation went.

So, fast forward a few months. I stupidly started talking to him again. We wound up watching the remainder of the Mayweather/McGregor fight because I’m always casually late. I run on CPT (Caramel Princess Time, thanks Mindy Kaling). I gave him some again. And then he was leaving for some trip he had planned but I thought he liked me and maybe was actually sorry for being a jerk. I found out, he wasn’t and left his apartment abruptly. Again, I brought this on myself.

It’s now 2020. Somehow all of this hasn’t stopped this dude from popping up in my inbox with his jerking videos. I’ll admit that I have humored him a few times and maybe sent a dirty picture or two. But I’m wiser now. My NaNa is fire, but your hose is too small to contain it.