Keeping It 1000
“The real things haven’t changed. It is still best to be honest and truthful; to make the most of what we have; to be happy with simple pleasures; and have courage when things go wrong.”
-Laura Ingalls Wilder
Lately, I’ve been wondering how honest I should be; especially after last night. People say they want someone who is honest and keeps it real. But how real is too real? Are they sincere when they say they want truthtellers in their orbit?
Dating is hard enough on its own; add in a stigma and you’re set up for more disappointment should you choose to be honest about it. I’ve been going back and forth about whether or not I should share this detail about my life. I know I am not the only one dealing with it as millions have it — I am HSV-2 (genital herpes) positive. I was diagnosed when I was in a long-term relationship.
Unfortunately, that long-term relationship was an unhappy one. When I received my diagnosis, my first thought was “Oh no. Am I stuck in this relationship I don’t really want to be in anymore?”. The second thought was, “Who else is going to want me?”. The third thought was, “I brought this on myself.”
Let me clarify when I say that “I brought this on myself”, I mean that while I was single especially for 5 years before the aforementioned partner came back into my life — I was a little careless. I did not love myself enough to protect myself. I was searching for the love I didn’t get from him the first time in all of the wrong places. Almost a year after we reconciled, I had my first outbreak.
According to Johns Hopkins Medicine: 1 in every 6 people aged 14-49 in the United States, has genital herpes. It’s common with more than 3 million infections per year. It can lie dormant in the human body for years; you may not even know if you have it for a long time. It’s not in a STI panel test because you need an outbreak to collect a sample. Even with these facts, people will still treat you like a leper as I’ve found out. There is no cure but there are ways to not pass it on to others. One way? By being honest before you sleep with someone. Other ways? Condoms (Yes, Trump. We’ve heard of condoms) and avoiding intimacy during outbreaks.
That’s where my disillusionment with telling the truth comes in. I’m going to continue to do it because it’s the responsible thing to do. We’ve always been told that “Honesty is the best policy” and “Let your conscience be your guide”. I don’t think Jiminy Cricket ever contracted an incurable STI.
Since ending my long-term relationship, I was in an emotionally abusive one where the person was “Ok” with my honesty about my affliction; then he tried to use it against me to make me feel like shit after I refused to let him pull me back in to abuse me more, after he did the right thing and broke up with me. Then I dated someone else briefly after a 6 month hiatus because my soul needed to be repaired. I was honest with him and he said we’d get through it, only to change his mind a few days after sleeping with me.
There have been a few more who treated me as if I had the plague because of my honesty. One wanted to take a step back intimately and while it is fair to try to process it, you should probably make that call before we’re intimate. If I’m giving you that courtesy, you should give me the courtesy of not taking advantage of me. We’re too old for you to be thinking with your dick and then try to claim “post nut clarity” afterward. Needless to say, I walked away from the most recent two and re-embarked on my celibacy journey. I’m afraid of getting close to people and giving myself to liars.
This leads me to the latest installment of men needing to not act like they’re in puberty in their late 30s. Mind you, I still have my celibacy in tact as there was no penetration. 6 months strong again, baby! I have a feeling this spell may go a year. Maybe longer. I really don’t know to be honest. The asteroid may hit before I have sex again.
Remember the CPA guy? Well, that’s over and done with as fast as it began. We had a nice first date at an Italian place in his neighborhood. Then we went for sushi at one of my favorite places in my neighborhood for our second date. I liked the reciprocity. Then came wine night at his house for the third date. My worst fear was that he would try to push up on me. My worst fear came true. I wasn’t ready for the talk, but he forced my hand by pawing me, kissing me and pretty much throwing me on his bed. He did tell me it had been as long for him as it has been for me. In a tearful confession I said, “I can’t have sex with you without telling you I have herpes. I’d be an asshole if I didn’t.” It’s not an easy conversation to have. You worry that you’ll be judged as “gross”or “tainted”, even though there’s millions of people who are walking around and don’t even know they have it because they haven’t had an outbreak yet. According to Johns Hopkins, 50-80% of American adults have oral herpes (HSV-1). I hate to break it to you: every time you lay down with someone, regardless of their level of honesty — you are taking a gamble.
Needless to say, after I told him — things changed. His behavior towards me changed. I had two glasses of wine and I’m not a very big person. I made the stupid decision to drive to his home and didn’t want to leave my car then Uber back to it. We slept in his bed but it was cold as ice and not just because of the weather outside. I could tell we wouldn’t be seeing each other again despite him telling me I’m “so brave” for sharing, like the ones before him. The next morning I put on my jeans (I wasn’t sleeping in those), my Ugg boots, tossed my hood over my head and left without saying a word while he was showering to do whatever he was doing for the day. Nothing more needed to be said. As I counted the footsteps to my car I fought back tears at the thought of it always being like this. I thought of all of the good deeds I do for others and wonder why I was gifted with this curse.
It has nothing to do with me being a good person or a bad person. Maybe it happened to tell me to slow down. Growing up, I wasn’t involved in hook up culture. In fact, I was on lockdown in high school. Never had boyfriends. I didn’t lose my virginity until I was 19-years-old. As a late bloomer, I always felt like I needed to catch up. Perhaps it was my naiveté and impatience with wanting the love that I never felt I could have because it was for pretty girls who never struggled socially; You know, the ones that could be effortlessly flirty and sexy. I am none of those things. Sometimes I think if it wasn’t for the advent of online dating, I’d never have a date. And maybe that last part isn’t entirely true as I’ve dated someone I went to college with (Our professor hooked us up), someone I went to high school with (17 years later), someone I worked with, and someone I met not looking for anything while dancing in a beach bar.
But right now, I’m doing the best I can to try to remain hopeful. I try to keep in mind that my friend may be right when he says “The person who thinks you’re worth it will not run like I didn’t when we dated”. It’s unfortunate that a large chunk of the population has it but is so misinformed about it. And now with cuts to the Center for Disease Control (CDC) and university research, people will be even more uninformed. I
I’ve gone down the rabbit hole reading articles in publications like Glamour about how your life doesn’t stop because of a HSV diagnosis and the rosy stories of finding your person still, even having kids just made me sadder. Why not me? This diagnosis doesn’t make me a bad person. I’m just a good person with a skin rash that pops up every now and then where I shouldn’t have sex. It won’t kill me or whoever I’m intimate with if they get it. And yet, living with it feels like a death sentence to my soul.
I was hesitant to write this because it’s so public. People can leave nasty comments. People can say disgusting things about me. They can call me a SLUT. You know how keyboard warriors can be. They feel incredibly bold behind a screen. But I thought about my purpose for starting this blog — to help people feel understood and less alone. What better way than tackling a difficult subject?
I just want you to know that if you are experiencing these things, you are not alone. Despite my feelings right now, I know my situation is not an anomaly. Wherever you are in the world, just know that you are not a dirty person. You are not a slut or manwhore. It’s a common problem. People are ignorant sometimes. But that doesn’t have to stop you from being your wonderful self and potentially finding someone who can compliment you. I won’t give up if you won’t? Deal?
As always — with love & sunshine,
Nickole
*I started writing this post weeks ago. I’ve been sitting on it.
Sources
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Sources 〰️
Sinay, Danielle. “How to Date With Herpes, According to Doctors and Someone Who Has It”. Glamour. 5 March 2024, https://www.glamour.com/story/how-to-date-with-herpes. Accessed 30 March 2025.
Johns Hopkins University. Genital Herpes. https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/conditions-and-diseases/herpes-hsv1-and-hsv2/genital-herpes. Accessed 30 March 2025.
And while I did not cite this article throughout my piece, this is a good article for advice on navigating it for the men — if you don’t want to read Glamour.
Weiss, Suzannah. “Here’s What to Know About Dating and Sex with Herpes”. Men’s Health. 16 February 2022. https://www.menshealth.com/sex-women/a39096561/dating-with-herpes/. Accessed 31 March 2025.