Twilight Zone

While I’m working on an intricate piece that takes more time and research to connect the dots, I’ve been enjoying Ariana Grande’s bonus tracks on eternal sunshine deluxe: brighter days ahead. This song made me think of how I’ve been feeling after realizing it’s been a year since I said goodbye to Florida Man.

Alexa, play Ariana Grande’s “Twilight Zone”…

“Did I dream the whole thing? Was I just a nightmare? Different dimensions. Stuck in the Twilight Zone…”

You can be free of someone but still feel like you’re in a fog. It’s been a year. I went through so many changes in the time that I was with him. I thought I knew him. I let him edit and modify me. I let him control what I did, who I talked to, what I posted on social media. The people in my life felt like they didn’t know who I was anymore. I felt I didn’t know who I was anymore. The past year has really been spent getting back to me which has been easier said than done. I’ve spent time reconnecting with myself. I’ve spent time re-evaluating what I want not only in my romantic relationships but in my life. Granted, some of focusing on my own well-being has gone by the wayside because I try to be everything to everyone and while neglecting myself I’ve been also trying to date with intention of finding a good guy who won’t emotionally abuse me. That last part is going about as well as you’d expect it to in 2025.

“Is this a black and white scene? If so, then I’m in the gray one. Hope you win for best actor. Cause I had you completely wrong. Does she know you’re not who you say you are? Cause I might give her a call. Or was I just not me at all?”

I won’t be giving whoever he’s dating now a call. In fact, I didn’t call the last one or even message her. She messaged me. I was minding my own damn business; which I hope to continue doing without receiving any further communications from women he starts victimizing after they discover he’s not who he says he is. So far, so good 9 months after she reached out to me. You can read about that exchange in Diss Track Summer.

You can think about situations and people without being obsessed with them? I don’t know if he understands that. It’s called reflection. I think about him from time to time in the sense of “What the fuck was I thinking?” and “That really happened to me?”. Surviving emotional abuse is like that. Sometimes you have flashbacks. And it’s ok to reflect and ask yourself, “Did that really happen?”

“And it’s not like I’m still not over you. It’s so strange. This, I never do. Not that I miss you, I don’t. Sometimes I just can’t believe you happened.”

It was hard not to reflect on that time this month. As I mentioned before, my mother’s birthday is within days of his. I spent time on my mother’s last birthday trying to get her to be “civil” towards him and he was busy betraying me. Needless to say, this year my mother brought it up. I said, “Wow, it’s been a year.” It made me think back to that moment and all of the other bullshit I endured from him. Never again. Not from anyone.

I learned some valuable lessons about setting boundaries, recognizing abuse and loving myself enough to leave when things aren’t right. And even though dating again for the past year has been a challenge, I’m where I need to be: far away from him and avoiding anyone who may be like him.

“It’s not like I’d ever change a thing. ‘Cause I’m right here where I’m meant to be. Not that I’d call you, I won’t. Sometimes I just can’t believe you happened.”

Narrator voice: His number was deleted a long time ago.

Photo by Vasily Ledovsky on Unsplash