Traitor x True Story x Eternal Sunshine Pt. 1

Hi! It’s been a while. Some people have been asking me “When are you going to write again?” Thank you for your support. You a real one. Your support for my writing means the world to me. I just wanted to pause and say that before delving into the past year. As I’ve learned, the previous year doesn’t always stay in the previous year. Some things spill into the next year despite our best attempts at stopping it.

This particular post is special to me for a number of reasons: 1) So much has happened, 2) I’ve learned a lot, 3) I put my foot down and 4) This is a fucking mashup of songs that inspired me to write because they tell the story. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it and putting these bones to rest.

Alexa, play “Traitor” by Olivia Rodrigo.

“Brown guilty eyes and little white lies. Yeah, I played dumb but I always knew that you

talked to her, maybe did even worse. I kept quiet so I could keep you. Ain’t it funny how you ran to her the second that we called it quits? And ain’t it funny how you said you were friends? Now it sure as hell don’t look like it…”

Now, Florida Man (he likes Florida’s policies…) was someone I dated last year for four months and it didn’t work out because he emotionally abused me, gaslit me and used my writing against me to control me and make me get rid of people in my life. He interrogated me about my Instagram followers (I had to defend following and being followed by the “vice mayor” of La Mesa because I guess me being a constituent wasn’t enough. I also went on one date with him and never saw him again 2 years prior to dating Florida Man). He spiraled about Facebook posts from 8 years prior (Yes, he did a deep dive), made me unfollow a former NFL player I hadn’t spoken to in 10 years because he followed me randomly and even accused me of fucking someone on the way to take my mother grocery shopping (Keep reading for details).

I got all of this from someone I was with pretty much 24/7, good to his daughters (Loved them like they came from me) and good to him. I didn’t leave when I found him cradled on the floor bawling over his ex-wife. Instead, I tried to love him past his pain and he caused me pain.

Meanwhile, I was held hostage for writing about my indiscretions that I committed against two ex-boyfriends. I admitted I was wrong and that I should have left instead of cheating once I realized that they would never change and didn’t give a damn about my feelings. Instead, I stayed just not to be alone. I stayed because I didn’t want to hear “Another one bites the dust”. Yes, I spend way too much time caring about what others think about me.

Another thing Florida Man likes doing for whatever reason is fusing his past and his present. I don’t know why that is but everyone in my orbit finds it weird. Some people can be friends with their exes and that’s fine. I was friends with a few of mine. I’m still friends with two. But to throw that into a new relationship right away like “Hey, you’re meeting my ex tonight” with no warning after we’ve only been dating for about a week is a lot. I’m still finding my footing in your life. Yes, she’s married to someone else but it’s still like shell shock. So needless to say, when they were clicking and just talking I did get a little jealous and decided to walk out of the bar. I told him he could have asked me before just throwing me into that situation. It’s like he wanted to set me up for failure. It was the same thing in a recent situation but ten times worse because I took him back and gave him another shot. More on that later. Back to one year ago…

He asked me to block Small Hose who kept trying to hang around watching my Instagram stories but I really didn’t want anything to do with him. I was fine with it. However, I’m not the only one making concessions. I didn’t realize it would be easy for him to block hairy bush woman because he doesn’t really want her. He never really did (more on that later). I asked him to get rid of her because she was trying to hang around as well. Hairy bush woman is someone he was hooking up with just days before we went on our first date and started seeing each other. To this day, she hates me for absolutely no reason other than I recently found out that she doesn’t really like black people and I guess she feels like I stole him from her. He never really liked you, much like he never really loved me. Sorry, muffin. Moving on.

Then came more pressure from him and overreactions to texts coming in from numbers I didn’t have saved because I hadn’t talked to those bozos in a long time. I had no desire to nor did I think they would ever try to contact me. Of course, when you get into a new relationship it’s like they smell blood in the water. At that point, all I could do was react and I blocked them immediately. It wasn’t enough to gain his trust. I wound up changing my phone number. He claims he never told me to do so. No, he never explicitly told me to. But I felt like I had to because I didn’t know when another text message from a random ghost would pop up and the whole vibe would change.

Meanwhile, during our second go round — he sent me a screenshot of a random message and topless picture a girl sent him. He said he didn’t know who she was. Now instead of blocking her or ignoring her, he decided to do detective work to figure out who she was even though we were officially back together. It shouldn’t matter who she is. It wouldn’t matter to me who a random dick pic was from sent from an unknown number. I’d hit block immediately. I don’t need to know whose mysterious dick is in my text messages when I’m riding yours. Of course. I couldn’t say anything. I had to be ok with him playing Columbo. I guess he liked her tits. Also, this was after he went MIA the night of his friend’s birthday get together that I was not invited to. I guess sometimes I get drunk on whiskey sours and I don’t remember parts of the night or what I said. I guess I’m the only person in the world that does that. shrugs.

But, I will say that I am 100% sure that they have distorted damn near anything I have said to them. Mainly because last year when we dated, I said to his aforementioned ex/friend that I wasn’t surprised she and my ex who I invited after asking him if it was ok (I try to practice what I preach) had hit it off. They’re both nerds who like anime. So, they misconstrued it as I meant something nefarious or I was throwing shade. Of course, no one wants to get dragged into he said she said nonsense which he did after we broke up last year. He texted me “I heard some interesting things about you”. I’m sure you did from your squad that cosigns all of your bad behavior towards me. More on that coming up.

Alexa, play “True Story” by Ariana Grande.

“This is a true story about all the lies you fantasized about you and I. This is a true story about all the games, I know you play…”

I watched this show on Netflix called Fresh, Fried and Crispy and they did an episode on San Diego. So naturally, I wanted to go to the restaurants on the list because I had never been to them. This one restaurant, I don’t know if I can use the name due to copyright infringement laws — it’s a popup, elevated dining party experience type of thing and they do it at different locations around the city. Sometimes you have to make reservations months in advance. Anyways, he paid to take me there. Of course, I was over the moon and excited that he even wanted to do that for me because of how pricey it was. It was especially remarkable to me, since he also bought cruise tickets in the beginning of our relationship. Relationship experts would call this love bombing.

Anyways, during this dinner we encountered a girl who was a party planner. She seemed nice enough but I realized I was edged out of the conversation. They were just conversing amongst themselves basically while I was eating and texting on my phone. She was even noticing him eating and “enjoying his food”. I felt like I’m right there and they’re flirting in my face. Needless to say, the green-eyed monster came out, especially after he asked for her phone number to send a picture to her of them singing “Happy Birthday” to her because it was her birthday and she was by herself. Although, I’m sure the staff there took pictures of her because they knew her. She had done photography for them before at other events. Of course, we argued in the Uber briefly but saved most of it for when we got back to his place. Basically, he told me I was being crazy and he wasn’t flirting with her. When I tell this story to people, they think his actions are a little suspect. But I’ll let you decide for yourself.

My cousin’s wedding reception was the next day. While I was getting ready, we had a discussion and made the decision that he shouldn’t go with me. I wasn’t even sure if we’d stay together. Somehow I wound up apologizing for the incident and he texted me on my way down to Shelter Island that he didn’t want to break up. He texted me the entire time I was at my cousin’s shindig. Maybe it’s because I looked hot in my lace nude and black dress. You know how men are.

Another issue is that we don’t see eye to eye on politics. Don’t get me wrong, I do think there is room for disagreeing with each other politically on economics, immigration and gun control. But I don’t think there’s room to disagree about racism in an interracial relationship. “Conservative” is one word for him. However, when you’re in an interracial relationship, a certain amount of empathy and being able to try to see the world from the lens of people who have experienced racism is a must have quality. You can’t belittle the experiences of those who have lived a different existence than you. You can’t tell them that the things they are experiencing are not happening. That’s gaslighting. We had a disagreement when coming home from The Getty Museum in Los Angeles about the erasure and further white washing of history K-12. It seemed to me that he was defending these policies of lying about the country’s history when it comes to segregation and slavery.

I’m Black and Native American. To me, that’s insulting. But he’ll defend those policies until he’s blue in the face because it’s not his ancestors’ story. He wound up speaking with a Black woman that he knows who is an educator and she mentioned that there are reasons why we would feel upset about that and maybe I didn’t convey it the right way because it does make me emotional to think about the fact that I didn’t learn a lot of specifics about Black history outside of MLK and Rosa Parks until I got into college and by then it’s optional. I don’t want other black students to face that. Anyways, we apologized to each other and we moved on from that. We swept it under the rug.

After this incident, my mother began to be against our relationship. She had no qualms about speaking her mind. It got worse. I started sharing my location with him because of “safety concerns”. You can do with that information what you will. I took the street way to La Mesa to take my mother grocery shopping. For whatever reason, I just felt like I needed to take the scenic route that was sure to lift my spirits that day which adds drive time. I needed gas. That adds drive time. I also went to Starbucks. That adds drive time. I stood outside and talked to a neighbor who has a friendly pit bull puppy. It doesn’t add drive time but I’m not going to be rude and text you while talking to someone briefly.

I got inside and began talking to my mom. He texted me “It took you one hour to get there?”. He was timing me. I didn’t know it would be worse when I got back to his place. He had been stewing and thinking the worst things. I told him I needed to shower because I wanted to relax and be by myself. He then insinuated that I wanted to shower because I slept with someone on the way to take my mother grocery shopping. I felt sick to my stomach. I hadn’t eaten anything that day. While I was at the grocery store with my mom I was ordering Target drive-up to figure out what we were feeding his daughters since they were coming back from their mom’s house that night and there wasn’t anything kid friendly in the fridge. But I was being accused of cheating? I’ll admit that I made two mistakes in my past but I’ve done everything I can to prove to him that I am here for him and that I love him and those girls. My mother has told me that not everyone deserves to know your story because some people will use things against you as if they have a spotless past. The Bible says a just man falls seven times. No one is completely pure and righteous. I’m not religious but remember my dad is a reverend.

That night, I cried so hard I threw up. I got out of the shower, sat on the floor naked as a jay bird, cried and vomited. He tried to comfort me but I pushed him away and screamed “Don’t fucking touch me!” When I finally got out whatever it was I actually threw up and I had no more in me, I just sat against the wall and pulled my towel over me as he sat against the other wall. I looked at him through wet lashes and muffled “Why do you want to hurt me? I love you and all you do is hurt me”. He just answered “I don’t know.”

Next came another argument and betrayal. I agreed to go to the gym with him but I wound up working overtime and I hadn’t been sleeping well. The gym he goes to happens to be a gym I worked at for two years from 2016-2018. So I met a lot of people when I worked there. I’m sure some of them still go to that gym since a lot of them were older lifelong members. After working all day on lack of sleep, I decided I didn’t want to go to the gym and play 20 questions with people if I ran into them like “How you been?” and “What you been up to?”. It just sounded unappealing. Needless to say when I told him I didn’t want to run into anyone I know, he took it as I didn’t want to run into dudes. I literally meant anyone I knew from there. So naturally, he asks “Like old boyfriends? Great. Now I have to think about running into people you’ve fucked. I don’t want to think the whole city of San Diego has been through my girl.” That whole sentence still lives rent free in my mind because who says that to someone they love? You’re the only person thinking I’ve run through the whole city of San Diego.

Honestly, if my body count was 3.3 million people, that would be quite impressive. After I told him that he’s being ridiculous for even saying that he decides to act stank and go to the woman he’s in the process of divorcing about our argument instead of talking to me. I left to go to Tilly’s to pick up a dress and shoes I had purchased for the cruise to Mexico. I went to Target and bought things for the girls for Easter because I know how important Easter baskets were in my family growing up and I wanted to make them for the girls. Anyways, I get back and she’s still blowing up his phone and asking him if he wants to sleep on her couch. I found this out because his phone was synched to his iPad and I knew the password from when I had to log on for the girls to watch something. I felt betrayed. How could you go to the woman who betrayed you to betray my trust? Interesting strategy. He said she’s his best friend and has his best interest at heart. Notice a pattern here? I woke him up and we argued again.

More chaos ensued — especially since I texted the girl he was divorcing and asked her if she wanted him back because it seemed that when things were beginning and she was going on dates she could care less about him. She didn’t start texting him as often until after he gave me a key to place and wanted me to move in; Then came the “I want to marry her” and now she has “anxiety”. The asking him if he wanted to sleep on her couch was also off-putting. She said she didn’t want him back but I also told her that I wish I could believe her. Honestly, how I felt about it was if she wanted him back I know he would have done anything to put his family back together again so I would bow out gracefully. Just let me know. I guess she found happily ever after because now she’s remarried less than a year after we ended things the first time and their divorce was finalized. Hey, if I can’t have true love I’ll root for someone else to find it…even somebody who doesn’t like me.

“I’ll be the one you love to hate. Can’t relate. Too much on my plate. See it in your eyes. You got too much time. For fun you like to pray for my demise. I’ll play whatever part you need me to and I’ll be good in it too…”

They spent the next morning bashing me to each other, which good for them — they found a common enemy. They also came to the conclusion that I should confess what I did to 8 Mile and Dimples to atone for my two counts of infidelity as if they are my judge and jury. Stupid me, I did it. It did no one any good. I just hurt both of them for absolutely no reason. I hurt them for someone who felt like it was his duty to punish me. This is someone who claimed to love me and who told my parents he wanted to marry me and be the best man for me.

He then called me that morning and told me that he was returning the ring, he wanted nothing to do with me and I could go on the cruise since he already paid for it but we weren’t a couple. I cried and like any other person would do upon hearing that vitriol, I erased pictures of us off of my Instagram. When he came back from the jewelry store, I guess he had a “change of heart” and wanted to try to make it work. I felt that sinking feeling and tightening in my chest. He asked if I wanted to go to the honky tonk redneck bar in Ramona that his crowd frequented at the time for Thursday karaoke. I told him I was good with not going myself but he could go if he wanted to.

Later that evening I had a conversation with my therapist about this whole incident and he accused me of lying to my therapist because he was listening at the door and then told me he was going by himself to the bar as if I didn’t tell him earlier that I didn’t want to go. I just said “Ok.” You know, I felt like I had to make him think he was telling me what’s what when I said I wasn’t going any damn way. I didn’t text him. I decided I wanted to finish work emails, make some tea and watch Little Giants. You know who couldn’t fathom that I was ok without him? All of a sudden he has to text me. He has to leave the bar within a hour of arriving because “It’s slow”. I said “Give it some more time. Maybe it’ll pick up”. That’s how unbothered I was by that shit. Naturally, he had to call me and talk to me on his way back home and when he got home all of a sudden he wanted to cuddle and rub my feet.

We’ll fast forward to the cruise for the interest of time and people’s attention spans. His mother came to visit because she was going on the cruise with us and it was our first time meeting. I liked his mom. She saw how much I loved her son and his daughters. His father saw it too when he came down to visit for his birthday. Pretty much everyone saw how much I loved him but him. Or maybe he did and because he didn’t really love me, it didn’t matter. Anyways, let’s start with how awkward it was when his ex-wife had to take us all to the cruise ship terminal. I barely said anything. I did tell her thank you for driving us and of course I got daggers in her eyes through her sunglasses.

The first night of the cruise, we wandered the ship while getting drunk because that’s what you do. It’s like a floating Las Vegas. We met a girl who reminded me of Snooki from Jersey Shore and wouldn’t you know that she’s from New Jersey. Anyways, she had on a grip of make up and looked like a meatball. She may have been flirting and it was another one of those moments where I got edged out of the conversation. So I was like “Not another one”. I just kept sipping my drink. Of course, throughout the cruise he was also incessantly texting his ex-wife. I understand wanting to send pictures of the kids or periodically telling her that they’re ok but it was more than that and he can lie all he wants. His own mother called him out when we were having lunch in Puerta Vallarta. She asked “What does she need that can’t wait until we get back to San Diego?” I’ll never forget it because I was shocked she said it to him while I was sitting there. When I brought it up to him in our cabin before disembarking, I was told to put up or shut up in so many words. That also seems to be a theme with him when it comes to me.

When I came back to the table from using the restroom and she left while the girls were playing on the swing set at the restaurant, he placed his hand on mine and told me he loved me, I’m the one who’s there with him and I’m the one he wants to marry. Ok. Anyways, we went to a mall at the advice of our tour guide before going back to the ship. His mom was getting frustrated because she doesn’t speak Spanish and I speak muy pequito Espanol. She was looking for some white linen pants and I helped her by using Google translate because again, I’m not fluent but I know enough to get by in some situations. Spending your whole life in SoCal helps too. Anyways, she thanked me for helping because someone else would have watched her struggle. The youngest also threw a fit in the mall over a Mickey Mouse she wanted. While he walked her around the mall, I went into the store to purchase it on my own accord. She still has it today and wanted to sleep with it one of my last nights when them this second time around. More on that later.

Another point of contention was also him not wanting to do the things he usually does sexually with me because “I don’t really care about your satisfaction right now, Nickole”. That’s what he said to me on the cruise. It was at that point that I texted my mother, thank god for cellular at sea, that I did not know how much more I could take. And he said this after texting my mother talking about how much he loves me to death. Do you really?

So, once we got back and got settled in after I took his mother shopping — we decided it was best if I left. So I did. I moved my stuff back home and honestly it felt like a weight had been kind of lifted but there was still that little tightening in my chest like we need to just rip off the band-aid because it’s quite clear that you don’t want to be with me and you’re just keeping me around out of convenience. We argued my first night back at home because he asked “What would I do differently in my relationships?” and accused me of thinking I was perfect in all of my relationships. I don’t think I was perfect but I do know I was a good girlfriend to most of my partners despite my infidelity when one went missing for five days and the other just made it plain he didn’t care about my feelings or what I said I was missing in our relationship like quality time. The mistakes I won’t make again are staying where I’m not wanted or unappreciated and instead of being unfaithful I’ll just leave. Being unfaithful did not make me feel better either time I did it. Those are things I would do differently and I did differently the second time around with him.

After we broke up, I didn’t look back. He kept trying to reel me back in and spewed venom at me like basically calling me a whore without saying the word explicitly. There was a message he sent me late one night that I woke up to see but he unsent it. I honestly don’t want to know what it was because it must have been pretty fucked up for him to unsend it. This break up was so toxic, it sent me running out of town for 6 weeks to St. Louis to clear my mind and regroup. Luckily, my dad and my sisters helped me heal. Drake said “Am I missing something that’s harder to find? Like healing my soul? Like family time?” and I felt that in my soul this past summer. He went back to Hairy Bush Woman (not shocking) and I took 6 months off from dating until I briefly dated someone I went to high school with and someone who coincidentally knew the subject of this story. San Diego is small and apparently it’s getting smaller.

Little did I know I would give him a second chance to burn me in 2024. Click here for the shocking (not shocking) conclusion.