Sunflower x The Shade
“The sunflower is mine…in a way.” - Vincent Van Gogh
"Sunflowers end up facing the sun, but they go through a lot of dirt to find their way there." — J.R. Rim
It’s rare that I start a piece with a quote, but this one felt right. I never imagined I’d write about a flower—its symbolism and what it means to me—but here we are.
My favorite flower is the sunflower. When people hear this, paired with my favorite color being yellow, they usually look puzzled and ask, “Why?”
I guess most women or girls choose roses, lilies, or tulips—and often pink or purple. But my choice? There’s a method to my madness, one I’ll explore through music, art, and symbolism.Alexa, play “Sunflower” by Rex Orange County…
“I don’t wanna see you cry. You don’t have to feel this emptiness…”If you’ve read my earlier stories like The 90s or Here to Forever, you know my childhood wasn’t easy. It wasn’t sunshine and rainbows. I witnessed things no child should—like the abuse of my mother by her own sibling—and saw greed tear apart my family, even ripping away my childhood home.
At 8 years old, I suffered my first anxiety attack amid trauma and loss—losing my grandparents within two years. We moved constantly after a fake eviction notice, and I felt utterly alone. I didn’t get to grieve properly. By 13, I was diagnosed with depression.
One coping tip I received was to focus on what brings me joy. At the time, I struggled to think of anything besides classic movies. Then one day, my computer screensaver flashed a picture of a sunflower—and I smiled. That moment changed everything. I made sunflowers my background, my screensaver, and declared yellow my favorite color. You’ve probably noticed this site is drenched in yellow.
“’Cause I hate it when I feel like I’m not me.
See, I honestly don’t even know why I’m tryna keep my mind at bay.
Sunflower still grows at night,
Waiting for a minute ’til the sun’s seen through my eyes…”But why sunflowers? Why yellow? I asked myself recently. There has to be a reason sunflowers bring me joy when I’m blue or hopeless.
Sunflowers are known as the “happy flower,” symbols of optimism, positivity, and strength. Their vibrant colors lift moods (though not all sunflowers are yellow). Their sturdy stems represent loyalty and strong bonds. And because they follow the sun, they symbolize devotion and faith.
I struggled to express the isolation and loneliness I felt—not just at school, but within my own family. My cousins treated me like an outcast. One told me I was “too white.” I wasn’t invited to hang out. Still, I have one cousin who never alienated me—he still calls or visits randomly. I should do better at reaching out to him.
“The flower that follows the sun does so even on cloudy days.” — Robert Leighton
Sunflowers also symbolize resilience and longevity. Many people who know my story have told me I’m resilient. Even the 22-year-old who manipulated me and betrayed my trust called me that. (That’s a story for another time.)
Some days I’m resilient, but others, the clouds block the sun and I struggle. Depression does that. But lately, I’ve learned to recognize when I’m genuinely sad versus when I’m just stuck. At first, I thought admitting my struggles was weakness. Now, I see it as strength—knowing the difference and pushing through. Sunflowers grow in soil that’s not always hospitable. Adversity is their friend.
Alexa, play “The Shade” by Rex Orange County…
“Then I was openin’ the door just to see if you would walk through.
I started paintin’ all the walls just to see if you like the shade…”Now, let’s talk about Vincent Van Gogh, who wanted to be known as the painter of sunflowers. Most people think he painted just one canvas—the famous one with the turquoise background. Actually, it’s a series!
According to the Van Gogh Museum in the Netherlands, Van Gogh wanted to create a space in Arles, France for artists to live and create. Guess what color the house and walls were? Yellow. Between 1888-1889, Van Gogh painted five canvases using only three shades of yellow. The museum describes his sunflowers as a demonstration of “how it was possible to create an image with numerous variations of a single color, without any loss of eloquence.”
Back then, some thought sunflowers were “unrefined and coarse”—unworthy of art’s spotlight. But to Van Gogh, they communicated gratitude. He even hoped his friend Paul Gauguin would move into the Yellow House. When Gauguin finally did, Van Gogh hung the sunflower paintings in his room. Gauguin loved them so much, he asked for one as a gift.
What I’m getting at: often, the things we think are unremarkable bring joy to others. I see myself like the sunflower—unassuming and steady. The roses of the world turn heads, but I remain hopeful, ready to shine on those who overlook me. My environment hasn’t always been kind, yet I’m still here. Still growing. There are people who see my worth and beauty—my own “Van Goghs.” They see me beyond others’ opinions. And that’s what truly matters.
I’ve been through a lot of dirt to find my tribe. I’ve shapeshifted, edited myself to fit expectations. But now, I’ve painted my walls in my true colors. I’m glad they like the shade. There’s always room for them in the Yellow House of my soul.